I think about my deceased wife every day – when I’m working out, when I’m swimming laps, when I pass a flower garden, when I’m happy and when I’m sad.
When I am feeling mushy about how cute my dogs are, I think, “She would have loved you.”
When I read a restaurant review, I reminisce about our romantic dinner dates.
On crisp, cold nights, I remember how we’d walk arm-in-arm to a cozy restaurant or bustling movie theater.
When I catch a whiff of faint cigarette smoke, I think about summer evenings, relaxing on our deck while we drank wine, talked and laughed.
It stands to reason that I think about my wife a lot. We were inseparable for 29 years. I loved her more than anyone else in the world.
What was not so clear to me is why I think about my other girlfriends so often.
I find myself reminiscing about the women I dated before I met my wife when I was a teenager. Two were extra special – my first love and my long term high school girlfriend. I also think about some of my teen crushes, some of my short term girlfriends and some unrequited loves.
All of these were over 35 years ago, so why do they pop into head every few weeks today? I barely ever though of them when my wife was alive.
As I pondered this the other day, I came up with a few ideas:
- My late teens were one of my most fun times in my life. Everything was in front in of me – college, career success, building a family, living out my dreams. The world was full of opportunities and chances. I loved being 17.
- I was 17 – full of hormones and energy. Dating, love and girls were exciting, fun and thrilling.
- I am widowed, so thoughts about “the ones who got away” and wondering “what if” do pop into my head about women, marriage, career, school and the other roads I didn’t take.
But, I think it boils down to something less cerebral.
I listen to a lot of podcasts that talk about dating, marriage, relationships and building a solo life. Some are interesting. Some are funny. Some are informative. All of them are entertaining
So of course I think about dating and relationships. How could I not?
Another conclusion I have come to is that I never really enjoyed dating new people. I enjoyed being in love, building a relationship and being committed. I loved dating my girlfriends. Even back then, when the world was my oyster, I never liked first dates.
And after my dating experiment last year (and all the war stories from people on the podcasts), I don’t think it’s any better today.
So if one of my old girlfriends, crushes or secret admirers ever stumbles across my blog, feel free to reach out. I’d be curious to hear how your life turned out.
As for dating each other – it’s highly doubtful either of us would want to.