Since I wrote You Can’t Fill The Hole a few days ago I’ve been thinking about this concept and seeing it exhibited in people close to me.
I know when my friend is struggling with his Loneliness Hole because he’ll call me everyday (long with a rotation of other friends), instead of once a week. He’ll sometimes ask for my advice. On rare occasions he may even take it. But it doesn’t matter either way. Because I don’t have a loneliness hole, my advice is worthless.
When I suggested to my mother that she take her grandson to the Three Rivers Art Festival, she said she was too afraid because “They” are shooting people down there. Every night I turn on the news and hear about it.” My gut reaction was to refute this by saying – no they’re not Mom. If there were random shootings, I would have heard about it. But, I didn’t say this. Because my mother has the Fear Hole. She’s been living with it for her entire life. I can’t talk her out of it using reason and logic.
I’m not immune. I’ve got my own holes that I must live with. Before I came to that conclusion, I’d search for books, blogs and podcasts that would offer me that one piece of perfect advice to deal with my grief for my wife, or for Snickers, or for any number of other holes I have.
On podcasts I listen to, many people are seeking advice to fix their holes. They get the advice. But I now it doesn’t work.
Nobody can fix your holes. You have to learn to live with them.
It’s an inside job.