There’s something I don’t like about the way my favorite pools operate. There’s something about every close friend I have ever had that I despise. There are many things about myself that I detest.
Even with people who have been closest to me we might not appreciate each other’s taste in music, spending habits, sense of humor, movie preferences, attitude toward pets and so on.
And yet, I’ve fallen in love with a few of these people. One I was married to for 29 years. Some have been friends for decades. A few I’d trust with my life and even, my dog.
I have learned to pick my battles. Some things aren’t worth fighting over – or even disagreeing about. I’d posit that most of my preferences that differ from other people’s are not.
It’s the big things that matter.
To me, these are things like integrity, honesty, trustworthiness and kindness. Will you be there when the sh!t hits the fan? Do you show up? Do we (usually) enjoy each other’s company?
This is where dating apps fail. They miss the point entirely from the start.
They try to “match” on superficial preferences like music, hobbies, height and education. Then they attempt to “go deeper” by indicating preferences for having children, open vs. committed relationship, desiring marriage, religion and family.
I imagine a lot of people begin by being honest to indicate who they are and what they are seeking. Then, after realizing how few people they match with seem to embody these characteristics, they “tweak” their profile to be more appealing to potential matches.
Even me, Mr. Honesty, did this. My initial profile was direct and factual. I stated clearly who I was, what I was like and what I was looking for.
Over the months I was online, I “tweaked” my profile constantly to make myself seem more friendly, more flirty, more fun, more open minded and more humorous.
And you know what mattered?
Nothing that the apps could tell me.
I wanted to meet someone I thought was attractive and who thought I was too. Someone full of integrity, honesty, trustworthiness and kindness. Someone who would be there when the sh!t hits the fan. Someone who enjoyed my company.
Someone who was looking for the same from me.
We can be introduced to people via dating apps. We can screen them based on photos, profiles and algorithms.
But the important questions only get answered over time. And unfortunately, the apps have this backward which is why do many people are disappointed with them.
As for me, I found my answer. I don’t use dating apps.