My mother often says, “It’s no big deal” to dismiss whatever feelings she has about a situation and end a conversation about something that might trigger an emotional response. No wonder I did the same thing for so many years of my life!
I used to stuff down my fear, excitement, wonder and joy to put on a front. I feigned aloofness to project that I was “above it all”, strong and unaffected. People around me would rarely see me display what I truly felt inside. Hell, I didn’t even cry for nearly 30 years.
I don’t live that way anymore.
I learned that I have nothing to fear from displaying my emotions. In fact, the opposite has been true. When I am authentic and display vulnerability, it brings me closer to people. It makes life better.
I was thinking about this today.
I don’t vomit up every fear, crazy thought or angry impulse on the people around me. I do believe oversharing is selfish and can make people feel uncomfortable.
I think there’s a line between oversharing and being authentic. This line gets drawn based on how well we know each other and the context of our relationship.
Sometimes I cross it. It’s obvious when I do from the reactions of my companion (or victim).
For example, almost nobody wants to hear about my wife who died 4 years ago. So in causal conversations, I don’t bring her up. When I was mourning, I spoke about her all the time. Gradually, I realized that most people only listened because they could see I was in pain.
Other times, I’ll be curious about the person. I want to ask deep, personal questions. I’ve learned to keep my mouth shut and try to read the conversation better. Some people are open to discussing weighty, serious matters (like me), but other people are much more reserved (like I used to be).
What got me thinking about this was something The Music Fan said to me. “You are intense. You wear your heart on your sleeve.“
I smiled and replied, “Yes. I do.“
I was super attracted to her and adored her. I wanted to date her exclusively and wanted her to date me exclusively. I told her so.
She didn’t want the same thing. She was very kind and sweet explaining to me that she was not interested in a committed relationship with anyone. I tried to win her over, but after a few weeks realized that we were both being honest.
I don’t plan on changing a thing. Neither did she. I wish things had worked out between us and still think of her often. My guess is that never thinks of me at all.
And that’s OK too.