I woke the other night from one of my recurring nightmares. I have had recurring nightmares throughout my life starting when I was 5 years old. The contents have varied, depending on what stage of life I was in and what I was dealing with. But the commonalities include a lack of control, fear of impending doom, an ability to move and impotence (the lack of power kind not the erectile dysfunction kind).
For the last decade or so, my recurring nightmares center around several themes:
- My roof has totally failed, water is pouring down the walls and my ceilings and walls are water damaged.
- My home is infested with large rats running through the walls.
- I am failing Gym Class and will not graduate from high school.
- I have to move back in with my mother.
- I have returned to work at Citrix in high pressure sales.
The good news is that when I wake from one of these nightmares, I immediately realize it was just a dream and think to myself, “Thank god it was just a dream.” Then I reach over to hug Sparkles or pet Wiggles, think pleasant thoughts and drift back to sleep.
Often, I’ll think about the nightmare when I’m working out a few hours later. Sometimes I’ll write about it to try to work through the feelings it drew up in me.
A few nights ago, after I had completed my most recent purge of stuff, I had another one of my recurring nightmares. When I was thinking about it later that morning, I thought, “I wonder if I can purge these recurring nightmares from my subconscious?”
And I decided, why not give it a shot. Below is what I did.
I focused on each theme, one at a time and considered the facts.
Leaking Roof – I have lived in 23 different homes in my life, owning 7 of them and renting the others. I have never had a failed roof. I have had a few minor roof leaks that required nothing more than a small roof repair followed by a coat of paint on the ceiling. The chances of a catastrophic roof collapse are near nil for me. On the off chance that a tornado or tree falling causes one, I have insurance to cover it.
Not Graduating From High school Due To Failing Gym – I never failed any class in my life. As a freshman, I skipped gym as often as possible (with legitimate written excuses) from a teacher who liked me. That semester my gym teacher called me out of my BS and gave me a C-. I never skipped a gym class again and got A’s from that point forward. As for not graduating from high school – I was valedictorian! I was never in danger of not graduating.
Moving Back In With Mom – I moved out of my mother’s home 35 years ago and never moved back. Even during our most desperate years, when we were crushed by credit card debt and struggling to make ends meet, it was never an option to move in with her. I had this thought when I was in my 20s that moving back in with her was my “failsafe”. Within a few years, I knew I would never do that. I’d live on the street first.
Rats – We had a rat infestation when I was in middle school and we lived in the ghetto is a run down brownstone. I would see them run up the exposed walls from our basement. They would eat our dog’s food and anything in the kitchen they could access. One day, my stepfather had enough and he set out poison. About a week later, the stench of decaying bodies was wafting through the house and he made all the kids help him find the rat bodies. This happened to be the evening that I accidentally got on the wrong bus at the library and didn’t’t make it home until after 10 PM. By that time, the “hunt” was over. They had found 21 large dead rats. He then cemented over where he thought they were coming in and we didn’t have a rat problem anymore. In the 45 years since then I have had a total of 1 single rat incident in my home and that was more than 10 years ago.
Working at Citrix – First off, working at Citrix was not the worst job I ever had. In fact, it was the second highest paying I ever had and also where I received the most benefits and promotions. The parts that sucked were due to corporate bureaucracy that didn’t suit me well, the calendar quarter focus on “stock prices, “earnings” and the high pressure sales environment. I haven’t worked there since 2014 – 10 years ago. In fact, the Citrix I knew no longer even exists! The company was taken private by equity investors, split up and then merged with another corporation. I couldn’t go back there even if I wanted to.
I completed this analysis and then wrote this post.
It will be interesting see if this works and I’ve been able to purge my subconscious of these recurring dreams.
I hope it does. Even if it doesn’t, I’ll still have Wiggles and Snickers right there bedside me when I wake up.