When I am learning something completely new, I like to approach it the way I would a salad buffet back in my “eat anything” days: I try a little of everything first. Then I go back for seconds only for what I like.
Getting a broad initial exposure and then applying discernment to narrow my focus has worked well me throughout my life.
- At work, I found that I thrived in high pressure environments where pay increased alongside risk. I only learned this after having secure hourly positions, steady paychecks and the ups and downs of commission based sales positions. Perhaps if I’d been paid a high enough salary in other roles, I’d have never chosen sales, but I’ll never know.
- To learn painting, I took a class in Acrylics at the local community center, I followed Bob Ross tutorials, I read blogs and I watched videos on YouTube. After about 100 paintings and 6 months, I developed my own style of wet-on-wet, impressionistic oil painting.
- With drumming, I followed a number of instructors online. I subscribe for a monthly course. I purchased and followed books from 5 different instructor authors. After two years of daily practice, I’ve developed a groove that feels natural.
I’ve done the same thing with dating.
I didn’t want to do dating this way. I had hoped I would date one person (MGLN at first, TMF later on) and we would build a relationship and fall in love. That didn’t happen.
I’ve now gone on dates with 10 different women in the past 3 months. In doing so, I’ve learned a lot and have been able to narrow my focus going forward.
- My age range is roughly 35-61 years old. I haven’t found much in common with anyone under 35 and I have yet to see a woman over 61 who I found attractive.
- No little kids (and definitely no new kids of my own). I’ve wavered on this a bit because my candidate pool is so small. But I have no interest in raising children again.
- Live within 10 miles. I had extended this to 40 miles to include nearby cities like Durham, Cary and Chapel Hill. What I found was that I was traveling for hours only to have a mediocre first date. After having one good first date with a woman who lived an hour away, I cancelled our second date because I began imagining what it would be like to have a 2-3 hour round trip commute if she became my steady girlfriend. No thanks – I spent half my life trying to minimize my commute for work. I’m nit adding a grueling commute to my retired life.
- No major mental illness or social disorders. Several of the women I dated had serious mental illness issues around fear, anxiety, depression and attachment. Several others appeared to have problems relating to others in society – they had few friends, were estranged from family, didn’t socialize much and made me seem like an extrovert. Everyone has problems, but I’m not interested in dating women who aren’t dealing with theirs.
- Non smoker. No alcohol or drug addiction.
I’ve got a number of other criteria as well. Things like being kind, having some financial security, intelligence, charm, grace, appearance, warmth, joy and mutual attraction. But these aren’t qualities that can be checked off a list. They have to be observed over time.
Now that I’ve “sampled” dating a number of women, I’ve got a much clearer focus of the type of woman I want to date. It means I’ll be going on fewer first dates. It means, I’ll likely be single for a long time.
And that is fine with me.
I like living alone. I love my life. I’m a successful, content and happy bachelor.
It would be nice to have a steady girlfriend – someone to love, talk to, be committed with and share our lives together.
But I can wait.
And if it never happens, I’m OK with that too. I’d much rather be alone, than be with the wrong woman.