My brief foray into the online dating world continues to reveal lessons to me. Today’s lesson is on self absorption.
When I first created my profile, I basically copied what was on the home page of this blog. It was a synopsis of who am I, where I came from and what I do. I added some of my favorite pictures from the last two years. All were selfies since I’ve literally done nothing photo worthy with anyone else during that time.
After scanning through hundreds of women’s profiles, I realized my profile was not good. I redid it to match some of the better profiles I saw:
- I added better pictures (still all selfies unfortunately)
- I used my sales skills to redo all the text. Instead of telling people who I was, I reframed my answers to appeal to my target audience.
- I attempted to be more lighthearted and fun seeming than I am.
In other words, I tried to make myself more attractive and sell myself.
It was pathetic.
I started thinking:
- I don’t have any cool photos showing me hiking, swimming, smiling with glee while whitewater rafting or jumping ot of an airplane.
- I don’t have any badass photos of me working out doing pullups, handstands or gymnastics.
- There are no holiday party pictures, no shots of me playing freebie with the the dogs or partying at a concert.
Then I began thinking:
- I wish I was handsome.
- My head is too big.
- I don’t have a great smile.
- My teeth aren’t white enough.
- I’m too old.
- I shave my head because otherwise I’d have a big bald spot.
- I’ve got a great body and am super fit but that doesn’t seem so important.
It’s all true to some degree (facts are facts – my friends in high school nicknamed me Big Head Steve and my days of growing my hair down past my shoulders are over).
Here’s the rub – I don’t worry about any of this in real life. I’m completely at ease with who I am, what I am and where I am in life.
I know myself and don’t feel the least bit insecure. In fact, the opposite is true. I feel extremely secure and confident.
So I asked myself, why did online dating affect my thinking so drastically?
I think it’s because I was completely self absorbed. I was studying and thinking about me – me, me, me.
I focused on my flaws and trying to meet my assumed expectations of the women using the apps.
Gaah. No wonder I started feeling bad.
I can’t describe who I am, what I think and why someone should date me in a 5 photo, 5 sentence profile. I’ve written more than 500 posts on this blog about my thoughts, beliefs and experiences that explain just a little about who I am and what I think.
Add to that a total focus on myself and it’s a guaranteed recipe for feeling bad.
I don’t blame the apps or the online dating “system”. They are what they are. I thought I knew going into this experiment what to expect. I was wrong.
The things I’ve learned about myself from this experience have been far more valuable.