One of the things I despise most about online forums is a hyperfocus on victimization and self-pity that is prevalent in many of them. People play a game of one-upsmanship (or one-downsmanship?) where they portray themselves as innocent victims who have experienced tragedy, unfairness and insurmountable suffering worse than anyone else. This is used to explain their position in life, their dissatisfaction, their failures etc. They positions their “victimhood” as part of their core identity.
Bleh.
When I see this, I am repelled.
I choose not to play this game. Some readers will say I have that option because I am “privileged” and am being callous towards true victims.
I am privileged, no doubt. There are many people who have suffered tragedy through no fault of their own. I think about people born into extreme poverty in 3rd world countries, children who are horribly abused, victims of violent crime or natural disasters, etc.
But, for the most part, I suspect those are not the people on the forums I frequent. Most of the people on these forums seem to be like me – middle class or better, educated, professionals who share similar first world problems.
The difference between me and the self-pity Olympians is that I deliberately choose to have agency over my life. I’ve had hardships too. I’ve been dealt a shitty hand at times. But I’m not a victim. In fact, I’ve been dealt great hand at times too.
I don’t believe we get what we deserve. We just get what what we get.
And then, we make a choice on how we’re going to deal with it.
Lately, some of my more favorite online forums have been filled with verbose self-pity Olympians. Fortunately, I know how I will deal with them. At first, I will offer some support, encouragement and kindness. But if I see them continue to spiral down the path of negativity and self-pity, I stop engaging.
If the forum becomes a haven for self-pity and negativity, eventually I will stop visiting it altogether.
In some ways, I use the exact same approach in real life. I don’t engage with people who repel me and I don’t frequent places where these people congregate.
It seems more prevalent online, but maybe that’s only because the pool of people is much larger online and the pseudo-anonymity of the internet encourages people to say things they’d never say in person. Or maybe, the forums I go to attract these people.
Who knows? It doesn’t really matter. I have an approach that works well for me – homie don’t play that.