I firmly believe my older sister has despised me from the moment I was born. I suspect it has to do with sibling rivalry and the fact that our father left us when I was little (but that’s just armchair psychiatrist speculation on my part). What I know for a fact is that she took every opportunity to bully and boss me around until I reached an age where I could defend myself.
Because we moved so often and had such a chaotic upbringing, we had to stick together back then, like each other or not. So she tolerated me and I put up with her abuse. My mother was working all the time so all we had was each other.
From the time we were teenagers, we avoided each other as much as possible. As adults, we still do this. Our relationship consists of occasional texts and photo exchanges. We might see each other in person once a decade.
That seems to work well for both of us
In the last few years, I’ve come to gain a begrudging admiration for my sister. After all, she grew up with the same challenges I did: poverty, a neglectful mother, an abusive stepfather, a biological father who abandoned us and plenty of chaos.
Despite these challenges, she worked from the time she was 16 years old. Eventually she put herself through nursing school as an adult and became firmly planted in the middle class.
In her early 40s, she had a baby. A few years later, she had her second divorce. She’s now a single mother with a teenage son. From everything I can acertain, she’s a good mother.
My sister is rougher than me. I am quiet, considerate and thoughtful. She is loud, pushy and aggressive. Other than our childhood history, we have little in common.
Or so I thought.
I contacted her recently to get her perspective on online dating. She’s been online dating for more than 20 years. She met both of her husbands and several boyfriends online.
So I did something I haven’t done in years – I called her.
We spoke for an hour. Actually, she spoke nonstop for 58 minutes. I had to loudly interrupt twice to get any words in at all. (Some things never change.)
It was interesting was to hear her perspective. She’s had many ups and downs with online dating. She’s met men who used 20 year old photos and lied about their height, age, health and lives. She’s had suitors who only wanted a nurse or someone to sponge money from. Much of her advice centered around vetting potential dates and protecting my privacy. She talked about catfishing, love bombs and scammers.
Whatever. I’ve heard all that before. That was not the interesting part.
What was interesting was the part I didn’t expect to hear:
- Her reflections on her first husband. (“He was the best man in my life.”)
- Her clear cut list of Must Haves and Must Nots with any new dates (“I can’t fix your family problems, your psychological problems, your communication problems or your financial issues. If you don’t have your sh** together by now, that’s your problem, not mine.“)
- Her dedication to raising her son. (“My priority is my son. Period.”)
What surprised me the most was when she said,
“I want a man who talks to me every night. I like to stay home, make dinner, read, walk the dogs, play board games or watch a movie together. I’m happy to eat out once in a while, but I have no interest in going to bars, staying out all night or partying.”
I almost fell over when I heard this.
My sister always seemed extroverted. She was loud and never stopped talking. She had lots of friends. She went to parties. She went to clubs. She took her birthday off of work every year for a big day of celebration. She was always on the go.
Now she sounds a little like…me.
Who kidnapped my sister and replaced her with this person talking on the phone with me?
It made me think perhaps I should call my sister more than once a decade. I might learn something about her that would surprise me.
Then again, we really don’t like each other and have little in common, so perhaps the way we are right now suits us just fine.