I have been searching for community among others like me – single people who live alone by choice. The closest I’ve come is the Solo Podcast hosted by Dr. Peter McGraw and its online Slack community.
When I deleted the dating apps this past week, I felt a wave of relief wash over me. It was as if a weight was lifted from my shoulders.
- I don’t need to think about “tweaking” my profile and taking better pictures to make myself appear more attractive to online “likes”.
- I don’t have to rearrange my schedule to go on first blind date coffee “interviews” where I am judged for my suitability as a long term husband by a woman I just met.
- My schedule is 100% free to do as I please. No more framing in my activities around the availability of my “dates”. No more cancelled dates that screw up my schedule. No more waiting in vain for a polite text reply.
A good friend tells me the important thing is that I “put myself out there” and made myself available for a relationship.
I’m not convinced he’s right.
He (and most of my friends) wants a loving, longterm, committed relationship. Unlike them, I had one with my wife for 29 years.
It was wonderful for most of those years.
But I don’t think I’ll be doing it again.
I went into my marriage as a child, barely 21. I dove headfirst into being a husband, stepfather and provider. I married a woman 19 years older than me, with two children and an asshole ex-husband who was actively involved in our lives for the next 27 years.
Um yeah. No thanks. I won’t be repeating this.
As I think about what I was seeking from dating it was:
- Love, commitment and monogamy.
- Someone to hold.
- Someone to spend easy time with chatting frequently about the little and big things that happen in our days.
- A dinner companion.
- Sex.
- Affection, laughing.
- Someone to care for.
- Someone who would join me for walks each night.
I went on about 20 dates with 13 different women. During this time, we shared a few laughs and a few good conversations. We went for 2 fun walks. We had dinner out 4 times – two times were fun & two times were not.
I didn’t have to prove myself to my wife. She liked me before we began dating and I was gaga for her from the moment I met her.
We didn’t play games.
We trusted each other.
She scratched my head and back. I rubbed her feet and helped take care of the kids. We helped each other advance of careers. We shared our lives, our money and our hearts.
I don’t expect to find that again – especially not by using dating apps.
Instead, after listening to the Solo podcast and browsing the forum, I decided not to try to fulfill all of my needs by finding “the One”.
I can pay for a massage if I want my back or feet rubbed. I have friends who will join me for dinner or I can go out alone (for sure, my own company beats that of many strangers I dated).
I’ll need to find different outlets for caring for others. I’ll never care for someone in the all inclusive way I did for my wife. But I can help my elderly neighbors. I can befriend people at the pool and in the neighborhood. I can be kind to strangers. As for sex – well, I’m still open to dating if I meet someone in person. I’m even rethinking my stance on friends with benefits (first, I’ll need to make a friend with whom I’d like to share benefits).
I’ll probably never find another person to join me on my regular nightly strolls but I can find people to join me occasionally.
And I don’t have to try to impress any of these people. I can be myself. Which is exactly how I like it.
Happily ever after doesn’t exist. In the end, we will all die. Alone. I fully expect I will.
To outsiders, my marriage seems like a storybook tale of Happily Ever After. I can assure you, it was not. There were many hard times and difficult years. We had many good times times and wonderful years too.
For me, once in a lifetime seems enough.