On a stepparent subreddit I read a post that asked if widowed stepparents maintained contact with their adult stepchildren after their spouse had died. Many of the responders had been active stepparents who helped raise their non-biological kids when they were younger. When younger, the stepchildren had lived with them full-time or part-time under shared custody agreements.
I was surprised by the responses.
- Many had no contact at all.
- Only a few maintained close relationships.
Most said that contact with the stepchildren diminished as they became adults (while their birthparent was still alive) but then faded away completely after the birth parent’s death.
Some of those with no contact expressed love for their stepchildren, warm memories and an openness to having a relationship if their adult stepchildren wanted to re-establish one.
Many of those with no contact felt having no relationship was for the best. They wrote about the challenges they had as stepparents:
- Dealing with the conflicts over the kids between the exes and their spouse
- Disrespect from the exes and stepchildren toward them
- Problems with the exes using the kids as weapons
- Disagreements over child rearing
- Lack of love, respect, recognition from the step kids
- No legal authority to make parental decisions around school, activities, behavior
- Financial, emotional and life style sacrifices and investments
- Behavioral problems, personality conflicts and even dislike of the stepchidren
This subreddit made me realize that having no contact with the son of my deceased wife (former stepson?) is not as rare as I thought. If anything, it seems to be the norm.
I won’t compile a list of his faults – nor mine, his mother’s or his father’s. Rather, I’ll say that when my stepson cut ties with me after his mother’s death, he made it crystal clear that he wanted no relationship with me and had hidden his deep-rooted negative feelings toward me for a longtime.
At the time, I was taken aback by the harshness of his words and actions.
But now, five years later, I completely agree with us having no contact. Our relationship had been distant and strained for many years, especially after he moved to his father’s when he was a teenager.
We do not share the same morals, values or lifestyles. I was never his father. He made it clear that he resented my presence in his mother’s life and, by extension, in his.
I don’t wish him any ill will. I hope he finds love, joy, meaning, peace and purpose in his life. His mother would want that for him.
But it is better for both of us that we have no relationship. The bridges he burned with me cannot be rebuilt.
The chapters of my life as a stepparent are closed.
