Last night was another bad one. There has been no improvement in my left knee. If anything, it seems worse. I cannot bend it or straighten it without significant pain so it is frozen at a slightly bent angle.
I toss and turn all night trying to find a position where the pain doesn’t keep me awake. I’m now taking Advil every 6 hours, keeping it wrapped and icing it constantly in an attempt to manage the pain.
I think I’ll go to the Urgent Care Clinic today to get it looked at. I hate to do that and spend a few hundred dollars to be told to do what I’m already doing (RICE). But I had expected that after two full days of RICE, I’d see some improvement.
Instead, I ordered a cane from Amazon today. I’ve been using door frames and walls and countertops to keep weight off my leg but I need more help.
F*** me.
I’ve resisted doing extensive Dr. Google reading. It could be a torn/injured MCL, ACL or ligament. A doctor will be able to diagnose it and recommend treatment better than WebMD.
I thought it would be mentally and emotionally challenging to take it easy working out as it healed. I was wrong. The pain is so bad that I can barely walk. Any type of workout is unimaginable.
My life and health have been so good that I don’t realize how fortunate I am until something like this happens.
Even after both my hernia surgeries, I was able to walk around the next day and do basic household activity.
Today, I’m wondering if I need to order groceries because I’m not sure I can handle a 15 minutes grocery store run.
I “know” I’ll get better. Whether that means time, rehab, surgery or whatever I don’t think this is a permanent condition.
I used to tell myself that I have a high threshold for pain. In reality, I have no idea. I am used to tolerating nagging injuries that are accompanied by low level aches and pains.
I know this, last night I rolled over to get out of and screamed in pain just from lifting my leg a few inches off the mattress. That was pretty bad. My sweet dogs both came to check on me.
I’ve been writing some and drawing a lot. I will be painting my drawings soon I expect. I probably need to move my paint “studio” setup downstairs for now because getting up a down the steps is going to be a rough experience.
I’ve been thinking judgmental I’ve been of people with poor fitness whose backstories I don’t know. I think to myself “They could do so much better if only they had the willpower and self discipline to take a walk, do some mobility work, exercise, etc...”
Well, perhaps I’m wrong. Maybe they have pain like this all the time and have no choice but to live with painful physical constraints.
Instead of judging them, I’ve tried to shift my mindset in the past few years by thinking, “I admire them- at least they are trying. Even if I think what they are doing is silly.”
When I spoke to a friend yesterday about observing the gradual decline in my dog’s health and physical abilities as they grew older he made an astute comment.
He said, “Your dogs never fret that ‘I used to be able to walk longer, run faster and jump around.’ They just do what they can without trying to use willpower to force themselves to do what they can no longer handle.“
I need to take this lesson from my dogs to heart.
Sooner or later, I’ll be able bend my knee without pain (hopefully sooner). I will try to cherish simple walks, getting out of a chair and even rolling over in bed without pain.
I’m sure it won’t be long before I forget, take it all for granted and get wrapped up in my petty concerns.
For now though, I’m looking forward to that day.