In 2021, I wrote about not having it in me to be someone’s caretaker. At the time, it was two years after my wife had died.
Two years later in 2023, I wrote that my heart had hardened against caring deeply for people I don’t love.
Now, in 2025, I find myself thinking about how I’ve withdrawn into myself from becoming attached to anyone – even friends.
This is who I am now.
Caring for wife for 29 years gave me meaning, purpose and direction. It transformed me and my entire world.
Being her primary caregiver during the final 8 months of her life as she battled lung cancer transformed me too – in quite profound ways I’ve written about before.
She’s now been gone for 6 1/2 years. I don’t think I’ll ever go back to the way I was when she was alive.
I’m not sure I can. I’m not sure I even want to.
Two of my close longtime friends have found love once again in their 50s. Both are living with their girlfriends in long-term committed relationships. It seems like they have each found something they hadn’t had before. Or, if the had it before, it was a long time ago.
I am thrilled for them. When they send me pictures or tell me stories, their satisfaction, happiness and contentment shines through. .
As for me, I am no longer even interested in “keeping my eye out for opportunities” to meet someone and fall in love again. That part of me has shut down – possibly forever.
It doesn’t make me sad. I have wonderful memories of the love I had. I no longer feel compelled to search for it again.
