My recent foray into the online dating world had me spiraling a bit this week. I updated my profiles, upgraded to “premium” subscriptions for Hinge and Bumble ,and aggressively scanned through hundreds of profiles by swiping left/right.
After three days of concentrated activity, I’ve had only 4 women who responded to my “likes” – which is basically sending me a chat message. I’ve had a couple of conversations where we mutually decided not to move forward beyond that.
I’ve had only 2 women proactively reach out to me first and they were not people I would date (shudder).
After listening to my friend’s advice and knowing he’s had more than 25 dates using online apps, I began to wonder if it’s me?
Maybe I’m not such a great “catch”. Maybe I’m not handsome enough. Maybe I’m too old. Too bald. Too alone. Too weird. Don’t have the cool hobbies, etc.
Then I thought, so what?
I love the life I have. I’ve built a great life as a single man and am quite satisfied.
I thought about my life:
- I had a wonderful, long marriage with many great memories.
- I had a family, step-children, a good career and a loving partner.
- I am financially secure and emotionally stable.
- I own a lovely home in a fantastic suburb.
- I’m healthy and fit.
- I have challenging & rewarding hobbies.
I am rarely lonely. Although my few weeks with MGLN did make me realize that I would rather have a woman in my life than be alone, I’m not desperate. I have no urgency or desperation to find a girlfriend.
And, perhaps most importantly, I like myself just the way I am – weird, obsessive about fitness, outdoors a lot, minimalist, intellectual and introverted. I even like my shaved head.
So this morning I set my dating apps to alert me only when someone reaches out to me. Otherwise, I’ll check them occasionally to scan for new people. Checking daily only to see the same unappealing people over and over, is an exercise in frustration. I have enough frustration in life without having to create more for myself.
I’ll continue to keep my eye open for opportunities in real life. That’s how I met all of the women I ever had relationships with before. Starting from a base of familiarity, friendship and trust vs. a random online encounter seems preferable to me.
Then I spoke to my friend – the online dating veteran.
He gave me more advice.
He said not to worry about my profile, my written prompts or my qualities. He said, “Put up some good pictures. Nobody is going to read anything you write anyway.”
He explained that many people use online dating for entertainment or chatting or fetishes. He told me about his funny, frustrating, good and weird experiences.
He said when scanning profiles to ask myself one question – “Would I have sex with this person?”
I responded this was rather crass. He said everyone who is looking for a date/mate is asking themselves that question. He said, if it is yes, then swipe right and move on to the next profile.
He said there’s no point in even thinking about the person, unless they respond. If they respond, then you push for a conversation by phone and in real life as quickly as possible.
I have to agree that a face-to-face initial date is crucial. It’s the only way to determine if there’s any kind of spark or mutual attraction. I have no interest in a chat/text based relationship. (I’ve got my blog for that – hah!).
Even in my limited time dating since my wife died, I’ve met some women who are utterly charming via text but are much less so in conversation and in person.
As for the “would I have sex with them?” initial swiping criteria, my friend might be right there too. It certainly saves a lot of time reading profile responses and wondering about someone’s personality when none of this matters if they are not also interested in more.
And most importantly, it frees up my time to do what I actually enjoy – my good life.