“I was put on this earth to do something special.”
I used to think that my role was cure cancer, solve world hunger, transplant eyes so the blind could see , save lives doing brain surgery or t the very least, run a huge successfully tech company that made many people wealthy.
When I believed these things, my life had meaning and purpose.
I worked hard to excel at school. I took honors classes. I enrolled in a college with a prestigious Medical School. Later, after college didn’t’t pan out, I focused all of my attention on moving up the career chain in technology.
In my personal life I also had focus and direction. My #1 priority was to take care of my wife. After her came the kids and then the pets. His included everything – financial support, emotional support, companionship, love, loyalty, etc.
In 2001, I left a great job where I was on the fast track. We relocated to a different state, I started a new position with a failing “tech wannabe” company, the dot com crash happened and then 9/11 hit.
It took me 10 years, 4 different jobs, 2 relocations and lots of stress to work my way back up to where I was in early 2001.
During those years, I learned was that work could no longer provide me with enough meaning and purpose.
Then, in 2006, my stepdaughter died.
This was the girl whom I made a promise to myself to protect. I would support and guide her through her teenage and early adult years, so that she could blossom into a full fledged, successful and happy woman.
I failed to protect her.
In 2018, after 29 years together, I said goodbye for the last time to my wife as she lay dying in hospice.
My world fell apart. Without Ellen, without being a husband, a provider and a caretaker, who was I? What was I?
I’ve been searching for meaning and purpose ever since then.
Here’s what I think today:
Meaning and purpose can come from wherever I can find it. It depends on where I am at a particular time and what I am focusing on.
It can come from a grand overarching principle like being a good husband, raising a family and processing in a career.
But it can also come from short term goals like losing weight, being a good dog owner, learning to paint or practicing drums.
Oftentimes I ask myself, “Is this it? Is this what I’m meant to do in life?”
The answer is I don’t know. But it is what I am doing right now. Sometimes I think the only way I will find meaning and purpose in life is to keep plugging along until something pops up.
Perhaps I’ve already accomplished what I was “meant to do” on this earth. Or perhaps that’s just superstition, bullshit and self-aggrandizement. Maybe I’m simply another human who’s living out his days, slightly more aware that a chimpanzee but not much different than one.