Big changes are coming. As I settle back into civilization in Raleigh, I realize that it is time for me to start rebuilding my life -without Ellen, without Zack, without my cats and without many of the wonderful (and some not so wonderful) parts of my life before my wife died.
I learned a lot from my road trip. I’m not going to attempt to list the lessons and discoveries. Instead I’ll try to digest and understand them over time.
Some things I now know:
- Saving money and frugality isn’t enough for me.
- A solitary life on the road isn’t enough for me.
- I need to return to work.
Although I could attempt to eek by on savings until I am eligible for social security, I fear that is destined to fail. I don’t have enough money to do that comfortably. Nor do I want the pressure that comes with living on the brink of financial failure for the rest of my life. I’ve had money and I’ve been broke. I’d rather work than be broke again.
More importantly, I need work to build relationships with people, give me purpose and provide a framework for “normalcy”.
So I updated my LinkedIn profile, reviewed job postings in my tech sales/management and dove into my LinkedIn feed. Seeing the dirtbags who’ve advanced in their careers, reading the self congratulatory humble-brags and scanning through corporate double-speak made me want to gag.
The thought of diving back into that world of high pressure tech sales isn’t appealing. I’m good at it. I’m experienced. I have connections. I would be paid well.
But I’m not sure I’ll go back there.
Two people close to me both suggested I start a private coaching/mentoring business helping individuals with fitness, exercise, diet, mediation and dealing with life.
I never thought seriously about doing this. I’m not a former athlete. I’m not a dietician. I never trained anyone formally. I’m certainly no instagram model. Who would want to pay me to coach them?
On the other hand, during the last 10 years of my management career, I got the greatest satisfaction from mentoring and coaching my employees. Sometimes this was specific to sales or management, but more often it focused on time management, worklife balance and learning to deal with what’s important.
So maybe it’s worth trying. After all, these people both know me well and came up with this recommendation independently. They might be right.
Is this where I’m headed? I’ve got no idea. I might find an appealing group of people to work with and jump right back into the tech world. I could just as easily envision going down a completely different path. Should I get a government job? Join a nonprofit? Return to school?
I want to solve problems. I want to meet people and be part of a tight knit team. I want to make money and have autonomy.
I’m not sure where this will lead. But whatever path I take, I know it will be different than before.
The “rules” for blogs say that I should stick to one topic or theme. Clearly, other than the theme of “it’s all about me”, I’ve broken this.
My first blog, Inside Sales Dude, focused on sales and sales management. I had several hundred readers, a newsletter and a decent amount of activity. After two years, it had run its course. I ran out of things to say.
My second blog at ainslie’s.org focused on life, frugality and simple living. Because I thought about these things all time, I enjoyed writing about these topics. But, like with ISD, I ran out of things to say.
After my wife was diagnosed with cancer, it consumed our lives so I wrote about that. After she died I wrote about how I spiraled downward through grief hoping this might help someone else and me.
Then I went on the road. I thought this would give me time, peace of mind and clarity. I assumed I would write everyday when I was on the road. Neither of those happened.
So now, this blog is going to change again.
Stick with me if you’re interested or leave if it’s unappealing. I’ll understand either way.
If we’re friends, I hope we keep in touch in real life. I’ve been really bad at doing that in the past, but I’ll try to do better.
All the best,
Steve