I stopped using the word “retarded” as an insult about 10 years ago. Up until then, I thought it was a clever, irreverent and funny way to describe when someone did something dumb.
Back then, social norms regarding what is a slur vs. what is everyday language was beginning to shift. (More accurately, I think social norms are always shifting.) At the time, I was aware it was not appropriate to use the N word, the C word for women, not the other C word for Asians, etc. But I had never really thought about “retarded”.
I didn’t say it around mentally disabled people I knew. If anything, I went out of my way to treat these people with kindness and respect. I liked them. The ones I knew were kind, sweet and genuine – they seemed somewhat childlike and innocent.
This changed this for me one day when I was running my regular weekly sales team meeting.
My team was the best – we crushed our numbers, helped one other and were the outcasts because we worked West Coast hours while the other 5 teams all worked a normal 9-5 shift.
I loved my team members. I protected them. I lifted them up. I gave them opportunities to develop on my team and helped them to find better roles so they could move on with their careers.
During the meeting, I was spouting off about some mandatory corporate bureacratic nonsense we all had to complete even though everyone knew it was BS (eg. compliance training or sexual harassment training).
As opposed to most managers who would never acknowledge the inanity, I would point it out. If possible, I’d figure a way for my team to get out of it. If that wasn’t possible, I’d explain to my team that this was a battle we wouldn’t win and therefore we just needed to get it done.
I said something like, “Look, we all know it’s retarded, but I need everyone to finish the training by next week.”
Most of the people in the room laughed, smiled or sighed while agreeing to get it done.
Except for one kid, whose face fell. He stopped making eye contact with me and was quiet for the rest of the meeting. I didn’t call him out in the meeting, because I never wanted to publicly shame someone.
After the meeting, I was reviewing things with my #2 manager and asked if he noticed the kid’s reaction. He said, “Oh yeah, he’s kind of sensitive about that because his older sister is mentally disabled.“
I thought, “And I am an a$$hole.“
I cannot remember if I ever apologized to this kid. I hope I did, but because I don’t remember, I probably did not.
Over the next two years, I learned that he helped his parents care for his older adult sister. He took PTO to attend her graduation ceremony from school. He had her picture on his desk. He never once said anything to me about her mental disability or remarked on my using the R-word that day.
He simply showed class. And taught me a valuable lesson.
I don’t use the R word anymore.