My mother’s recent car wreck and health crisis forced my sister and I to, once again, face our mother’s hoarding. My sister, along with two of her friends (saints in my opinion), spent an entire day clearing out trash and belongings from the first floor of my mother’s home. Eight hours and 35 bags of trash later, you could walk through the living room and kitchen. My mother was livid. She feels as if she was wronged.
I refuse to do another clean out. I’ve done it before and know what will happen.
Still, I understand why my sister did this. She loves her mother and is trying to make her safe. She thinks (or hopes), like I once did:
- This might be the catalyst needed to spark a change.
- It will be fresh start.
- Our mother’s physical limitations prevented her from doing it herself.
- Now that her house is cleared of clutter, she can manage it.
- She’ll not fill her house with stuff again because it’s dangerous for her.
These are all perfectly reasonable and logical thoughts.
They’re just wrong.
I know this after doing similar clean-outs then seeing my mother fill up her home within weeks.
Wanting to know more about hoarding, I listened to a podcast and read stories on reddit from other adult children of hoarders.
Here’s what’s become crystal clear to me – it’s not about the stuff. If it was simply about lethargy, slovenliness, laziness, or poor cleaning habits then a clean-out might help. Making rational arguments about sanitation, safety, organization, needs, and consequences would have an effect.
But it’s not about that.
Hoarding is an aberrant behavior that I suspect is caused by mental illness or addiction. You can’t use rational arguments to change the behavior of an addict or address mental illness because these are not rational behaviors.
My mother has always been a slob. I remember being 4 years old and going into my parents’ bedroom when I woke in the middle of the night frightened from a nightmare and stepping on piles of dog shit on newspaper at the foot of the bed. It would squish between my bare toes as I crawled up onto the bed.
We didn’t have a puppy. Our dog was several years old. We had a fenced in yard. My sister and I walked the dog several times a day. Still, my mother and father apparently decided that letting the dog piss and shit on newspaper in their bedroom was acceptable vs. training the dog properly.
My mother wasn’t hoarding then, but who chooses to live like that? It’s disgusting and appalling to me.
My sister and I did all of the household chores from a very young age – cooking, cleaning, dishes, laundry, shopping etc. We were latchkey Gen-X kids. My mother worked during the day. I suppose she must have done some housework, but I don’t recall much of it. I remember her eating dinner with us every night, then smoking cigarettes with my stepfather while watching TV as we kids did the dishes, cleaned the kitchen, swept the floors, did our homework and got ourselves ready for bed.
I’ve known plenty of people who are slobs. Their homes and cars were filthy but I never saw any of them become a hoarder.
I grew up spending a lot of time being babysat by my Grandmother (mom’s mom) and my Great Aunt Es (mom’s aunt). They babysat (or parented) my mother and her siblings before us. Both kept a clean house so I know my mother was no stranger to housework.
My mother’s hoarding is not the result of not knowing how to do housework.
My mother is approaching 80 years old.
She has never addressed the source of her problems. She never will. I know this now.
I spent years in AA and in therapy to deal with my own inability to handle life on life’s terms. It worked. I changed. My life became immeasurably better.
But it wasn’t easy. I had to confront feelings, issues and damage I had buried deep inside of me. I had to repair relationships and let go of unrealistic fantasies. I had to accept my role in causing my problems and take responsibility for the outcomes.
My mother is not going to do this. Not now. Not ever.
I had this (stupid, in retrospect) idea that if we could convince my mother to move to a small apartment that her hoarding would change and her life would be better. In a small apartment, she wouldn’t have room for a bunch of crap. She’d have a landlord or maintenance guy to take care of repairs. She might even have a cleaning lady. It would be smaller and easier to keep tidy. She wouldn’t have to deal with steps, lawn care, maintenance and all of the other issues of managing a home.
This week, I realize that’s totally unrealistic.
Even if my mother eventually moves to an apartment, senior high-rise or some type of independent/assisted living facility, she will load it up immediately. The only way she won’t is if she is literally incapable – for instance, if she’s bedridden and has no ability to make purchases or leave trash everywhere. (Eg. if she’s in a nursing home, highly controlled assisted living facility or hospital).
So, I’ve accepted this fate. I expect my mother will reload her home with garbage, purchases and crap within a few weeks. She will continue to live there until she is forced out by illness, injury or mental incapacity.
That is a shitty way to live.
But she’s been living like this for at least 25 years. And cleaning-out her stuff won’t change it.