A friend of mine called to talk about a problem he’s having with his girlfriend. What it all boils down to is that he wants to live together as a married couple and she does not want that.
Otherwise, everything in their relationship actually sounds wonderful. They love each other. They share similar values and interests. They spend a lot of time together. They have chemistry. They are committed to each other.
He explained that whenever he broaches the subject of moving in together or the ‘long term plan’, she replies that she doesn’t know what she wants or changes the subject.
He said he just wants her to figure out what she wants and to tell him.
I told him that she does know what she wants. She wants what they have right now.
And she has already told him.
During our conversation, he mentioned that she hasn’t done therapy or expressed interest in digging into her psyche on this.
I said, “That’s because she doesn’t think there is anything wrong that she needs to address with therapy.” She thinks the relationship is fine.
And, from what he’s told me, the relationship is better than fine. It is wonderful. She just doesn’t live with him and isn’t married to him.
He is under the delusion (hope? fantasy?) that if she went to therapy, she’d realize that she does want to move in and marry him.
My suggestion was that he think about this in a different way:
Does he want the relationship he has now with her or would he rather end it because he wants someone to move in/marry?
That’s a question only he can answer.
Post script
I wrote this as if it was an easy and logical decision process for my friend to make. This morning as I thought more about it I realized that it is not. It’s easy for me because I’m not emotionally invested. I’m not in love. I’m not trying to plan out my life revolving around a relationship with another person. I’m just listening to my friend.
For him this is an emotional decision. He’ll do what we all do. He’ll try to make the best decision that he can live with and feels the most “right”.
I think that’s how life goes.
