I got a text from my sister a few days ago concerning my mother. It was two alert me about two different incidents regarding normal daily activities that my mother can no longer manage by herself. Since I have limited contact with my mother, I am often unaware of how bad things have gotten. Plus, my mother, like many elderly people in decline, tries to “hide” things from us.
It was upsetting to hear about the latest incidents. While they are minor, compared to her car crash and subsequent short-term but significant dementia episode, they are nonetheless obvious signs of my mother’s ongoing decline in her ability to take care of herself.
I can’t fix this for her. My sister cannot either. Neither of us is willing to become a caretaker for our mother or support her quasi-independent living preferences. We have our reasons which I won’t detail here.
It’s upsetting to get these updates. And now, instead of getting them a few times a year, they seem to be coming every week.
So after receiving this latest bad news, I found this site https://www.agingcare.com which given me a better understanding of what to expect as my elderly mother’s health declines.
The forum is particularly helpful. I read about other caretakers’ experiences with Adult Protective Services, legal issues, financial issues and emotional challenges. It’s helped me make better decisions and plans involving my participation in my mother’s care.
There is an inevitability to all of this which is sad. Long term care, dementia, health problems, lack of planning, insufficient funds and family issues all contribute to an unpleasant way to spend the last months and years of your life. Even the stories on the forum from close families that had money were only marginally better than the others. There were many stories of estranged adult children, siblings, parents and various legal/financial/social and emotional turmoil. I expect my family’s situation will be no different.
And so I have resigned myself to expect only bad news and more of it.
I wish things were different for all of us. But they are not.
Postscript. An unexpected surprise happened. My mother took care of both of the aforementioned problems on her own by hiring a plumber to fix one issue and getting help from someone else for her other issue.
It is difficult for me to ascertain when her issues are due to incapacity vs. just not taking care of things for other reasons. So instead of pondering that, I’ll just enjoy the good news. Another reality I am learning to accept is uncertainty and ambiguity regarding my mother. Things aren’t always what they appear to be nor do they turn out the way I predict.