In the past 3 months, I’ve gone on dates with 10 different women. Six times, we decided not to go on a 2nd date. Three times, we’ve gone multiple dates before deciding we weren’t a good match. As of today, I have a second date coming up this week with The Phone Caller (TPC).
With the exception of TMF and TPC, these first dates have been like an interrogation. My partners grilled me with questions about my background, family, work, money, relationship goals, political leanings, and a number of other preselected questions.
These women were trying to assess my suitability as a “good partner”.
I understand. I answered their questions honestly and patiently. But it made the date feel more like a job interview.
Some of these I passed. Others I failed (apparently).
What TMF told me was that dating is supposed to be fun. That’s why we had a great first date. We didn’t talk about work, politics or future plans. We talked about music, running injuries, dogs and hobbies. Our second date was a dog walk in the park. We connected more on our dating history and our past while we strolled along the lake for an hour.
On our third date, when I arrived to pick her up for dinner, she greeted me with a long warm kiss (I almost melted). At dinner we laughed, flirted and teased each other while she taught me about sushi and eating with chopsticks (overall I still find sushi yucky).
I had a few more dates with TMF, before I realized we wanted different things in a relationship and I decided to end it. But we parted on friendly terms and we did have fun together.
Except for lunch with TPC, the other first dates were not as fun. I get the impression that the women were trying to identify any possible way to avoid being hurt. They attempted this using checklists and predetermined questions.
I understand the thinking behind this, but it’s a false hope.
Every relationship is going to have problems, hurt and pain. That’s part of life. The upside is the love, companionship, excitement, trust and romance.
I don’t believe you can predict or eliminate either the good or the bad with a series of questions. You have to take a risk and experience life together.
But I’ve learned a lot during these first dates. I’ve learned I’m not going to go on coffee “meet and get grilled” dates anymore.
Instead, we can go for a walk, go the the art show, go to the museum, shoot pool, throw a frisbee, walk the dog, or do “anything” other than simply sit across from each other at a table asking questions.
Then, even if we don’t connect or if one of us “fails the daterview”, we’ll at least have done something fun.
My greater hope is that sometime soon, one of these first dates turns into a series of dates and then a committed relationship.
That, after all, is the plan.