I was very influenced by TV as a kid. I watched a lot of Looney Tunes cartoons including Bugs Bunny, the Road Runner, Yosemite Sam and Daffy Duck. Occasionally I tested what I saw in real life.
When I was around 5, I had a younger friend who was a bit shorter than me. I thought it would be funny to put my hand on his head and have him flail wildly trying to hit me but being unable to because he’s short.
I put me hand on his head and said, “Now, punch me in the face.” He then wound up and cracked me in the jaw so hard that it was all I could do not to cry.
I couldn’t even be mad at him because I asked him to do it!
Apparently I hadn’t learned my lesson. Because another time I asked a friend to punch me in the eye.
I wanted to see if they turned black and I’d sees stars like people did in cartoons.
He surprised me by punching me in both eyes at the same time. I didn’t see stars, nor did my eyes turn black. But it really hurt.
I went crying down the street to my Grandma’s. I was even more dejected when she refused to put a steak on my not black eye. She wanted to put an ice bag on my eyes but I refused. She made me put a bag of frozen peas on my face.
What a disappointment.
I suppose I should be grateful that I never jumped off a cliff, blew up some TNT or asked somewhat to hit me in the head with a giant sledgehammer. Perhaps I had learned my lesson that what I saw on TV wasn’t always true.
Then again, maybe not.
Back then, we had 3 stations (and one extra in UHF sometimes if everything aligned right). This was before VHS, DVRs or streaming existed. In fact, it was before most of us had color TVs. There was no such thing as a remote control. There were fewer commercials, but we saw all of them.
Forty years later, I still remember commercials for:
- Count Chocula, FrankenBerry and BooBerry Cereal. None of these were delicious.
- Cracker Jacks – Nobody cheered when I ate them and the secret toy surprise inside was always lame. All I wanted was the peanuts.
- Rockem Sockem Robots – It was never this fun.
- John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt Album – His name is not my name too and the music sucked.
- Slinky (It’s a Wonderful Toy) – Not really. It never walked down the steps like it did on TV and it wasn’t fun to play with.
Some of these I had. Some of these my friends had. None lived up to the hype.
Despite these disappointments, I wanted more of what I saw on TV.
- I wanted a split level house like the Brady Bunch (and a live in maid like Alice).
- I wanted to be strong and tough like the Lone Ranger, Superman or Aquaman.
- I wanted the Green Machine.
- I knew I’d need Arid Extra Dry to spray in my armpits when I grew up.
- I looked for My Whipple in the grocery store in the toilet paper aisle but never found him.
It wasn’t until I was in high school, that I realized that all commercials were bullshit.
I suffered from migraine headaches my entire life. In high school, I started to recognize when one was coming on. First I’d wake up feeling really good – almost euphoric. Then a few hours later I’d see flashes before my eyes like someone just took a photo with a bright flashbulb. Then my head would start to pound.
Once the headache began, I’d be done. I get nauseous, feverish and have what I call hallucination dreams. It felt like my head was splitting apart and an ice pick was being driven through my temple. Any scent or sound became overpowering.
My mom tried give me Bayer, Anacin orTylenol. Then later we tried the “miracle pain reliever” Aleve. Nothing helped and I realized that commercials were lies.
The only thing I could do was lay in a dark room with ice on my temples while I wrapped my arms around my head trying to keep it from splitting two. Usually the pain would go away the next day.*
Today’s Lies
Today’s commercials are no better. But I’ll save my rant on them for another post.
Let’s instead talk about the lie that is TV programming.
First, it’s all scripted and edited.
“Reality TV” is anything but. Nobody acts like that in real life.
That the nature series on NatGeo, with years of footage boiled down to 30 minutes complete with hero and victim stories accompanies by dramatic music, is not how nature really operates.
The News isn’t what happened. It’s what a TV producer decided would capture your attention and get you to return after the commercial break. That’s why it’s endlessly getting more ridiculous, dramatic and shocking.
Then it’s prettied up. Big time.
In the US, nearly all actors or actresses are usually “beautiful”. They don’t look like anyone I’ve ever met. Their muscles are big, teeth abnormally white and perfect, abs defined and movements graceful.
They are made up, lit to perfection and shot and reshot until the perfect scene is captured.
My son photographed my house when we put it on the market in 2016. It was a dreary, gray winter day. In minutes, he had turned the sky blue, our grass green and had put a golden hue around the house as if it was a beautiful spring day.
I knew this was possible, but I hadn’t realized how quickly and easily it could be done. He said, “This is nothing, you should see what can be done with video.”
I think we see this all the time. We just don’t always realize it.
So Why Do I Watch TV?
I watch TV at night with my wife because it’s one of the ways she likes to relax. I’d rather read, write or surf the Internet. But when I do these things, I’m in my own world completely ignoring her. My wife might as well not even be there. So instead, I’ll watch with her. She likes TV and I can tolerate it.
But if she didn’t watch TV, I’d get rid of it.
How We Watch TV and Movies
Most shows and movies I find unbelievably tedious. I refuse to watch commercials at all. I fast forward through them or scroll past them. If I cannot, I refuse to watch. Everything I watch is either streamed or prerecorded.
We watch movies, some sports, and any talent show that has great dancers (the scripting is invariably idiot and subject to significant fast-forwarding, but the dancing can be amazing).
We watch the news. I point out the obvious errors, false conclusions and generally make fun of it the entire time. (I imagine my wife will eventually refuse to watch the news with me around).
Netflix helps a lot. Foreign shows sometimes break the repetitive and predictable monotony of US television.
She likes home improvement shows. I can stomach seeing houses gutted and rebuilt, but the “unscripted” dialogue is appalling bad.
I refuse to watch anything with a laugh track. I just can’t handle it.
These days, when we’re watching TV at night, I’ll take breaks to do the dishes, play with my pets, pause the show to talk to Ellen or even fall asleep on the couch. To me, all of these activities are better than TV.
Unless it’s a particularly captivating movie or sporting event, Ellen watches the show, while I wander around the house and just come back for the good parts of whatever we’re watching.
She’s got a lot more patience and tolerance than I have.
*A note for any fellow migraine sufferers
I have since found a solution that has helped me get relief from nearly 95% of my headaches. Two Excedrin plus a mega dose of caffeine (a big glass of iced tea usually). This has literally changed my ability to function when I get migraines or cluster headaches.
I discovered this by accident 25 years ago. A friend gave me one of her prescription migraine pills when I had no insurance. It was miraculous.My migraine would disappeared.
So she gave me a few more for emergencies. Once I ran out though, I was screwed.
I looked up the ingredients of the pills. They had acetaminophen, aspirin, caffeine and some narcotic.
I figured I could replicate all but the narcotic with something from the drug store. Much to my surprise, Excedrin’s ingredients are acetaminophen, aspirin, caffeine. Why hadn’t anyone ever shared this with me before? Who knows. But I’m sharing it with you in the hopes it helps you too.
Obviously I’m no doctor. I think acetaminophen can have some bad side effects if taken in excess. Also from personal experience, if I take too many Excedrin in a day, my stomach hurts and I get really edgy from the caffeine. It beats having a migraine though.