A book I’m currently reading (We Should Hang Out Sometime) references the UCLA Loneliness Quiz. The author, a 40 year old man with a wife and two kids, is disappointed that his results rank him as more lonely than average. So of course, I was curious to see how I would fare.
Given that I live alone, my closest friends live hundreds of miles away, my relationship with family runs from estranged to quite distant and most of my time is spent alone, I expected my results would rank me quite high on the loneliness scale.
Nope.
I was average.
It’s a quick 20 question quiz which I completed in a few minutes. I’m not curious enough to dive deeply into the methodology, analyses and validity behind the study.
I suspect the reason I score higher (ie. average lonely vs. extremely lonely) is that the questions ask how you feel about companions/friends/social interactions etc.
For me, the truth is, I am quite alone. I just almost never feel lonely.
Most of my life, I felt like I never quite fit in – except with certain self-selected small, tight groups of people whom I had a close relationship with.
Since I was a little kid, I also always needed alone time. I liked to play alone in my room. If I had a sleepover with a friend – which I loved to do – the next day I had to leave by lunch time and not see that friend for a few days so I could unwind.
I realize now that I am a typical introvert.
My life circumstances have led me to a place where I am now a loner introvert. It’s cool though. I like it most of the time. Which, I suspect is why I didn’t score as extremely lonely.
I am good alone.
But…what I am reading and hearing is that many people are not. I have close friends who will do just about anything to avoid being alone. I am reading a book about the “loneliness epidemic” which is also discussed ad naseum by the media.
I think a lot of people feel lonely because they are alone. They spend more time looking at screens than being with other people. The online world presents a false reality of endless images of people who seem to have it all – better looks, better lives and better friends.
I stay off of social media because it never makes me feel better. I also connect with real people, face to face, nearly every day. My conversations may be causal and our interactions light, but on the rare occasions I am feeling lonely, these connections make a big difference.
I don’t think that would be enough for extraverts who thrive on interactions with others. I’m not even sure if it would be enough for people who are introverted, but less introverted than me.
I have not finished the book yet. We’ll see if the author has any better answers than what we have all already heard before (meetups, church, volunteering, etc.).
In my life, the primary thing that connected me to others socially was being poor. Because I and everyone around me were all lower class, we spent a lot of time together. We befriended our neighbors because there was no access to anyone else. We hung out on each other’s porches. We had cookouts and block parties. We watched each other’s kids. We dated and married each other. We helped each other with car repairs, home repairs, painting, and lifting furniture. We went to school together. We worked in the same local places, doing crappy jobs.
It was pretty f***ing great.
I do not miss the downsides of being poor at all. But the upsides of being part of that community is something I do miss.