My wife does not have tombstone. She never wanted one. Having a funeral, being buried or being memorialized in any way was not important to her. In our 29 years together, she sat shiva, attended funerals and tombstone unveilings for deceased loved ones but I suspect she did this out of tradition and to comfort others who were grieving.
My wife told me that she didn’t belief in the afterlife. She said, “Once we’re gone, we’re gone.” She didn’t feel there was anything sacred about the body after death. She told me many times that when she died, I should cremated her and do whatever I thought I needed to do with her ashes. She didn’t care.
I used to believe differently but have come around to her point of view as well. As a child raised in a Catholic family, I recall many funerals. I visited a bunch of gravesites. I remember going with my older relatives to visit gravesites several times a year to weed, plant flowers and “pay respects”.
I don’t judge anyone for their practices or beliefs. Live and let live. Whatever works for them is fine.
But it got me thinking that there are probably a lot more unmarked graves than marked ones. In the news, books, movies and TV someone whose body is not “properly buried and memorialized” is presented as lamentable.
In my Catholic family, it was seen as such. In other families, I’m sure it is too.
Still, I’ll bet that most people who die are not buried in marked graves.
- Buried on a family farm which has been plowed over and converted to suburbs.
- In fields, woods or other remote areas, marked by a cross or a stone that has long since disintegrated.
- Put in a community cemetery that was never recorded and has ceased to exist
- Cremated and stored, carefully or not, in someone’s home until inevitably that owner passes away himself and they are thrown away.
- People killed in war, pandemics and disasters whose remains were buried in mass graves or left to nature.
It must be millions upon millions of people – ever since humans first lived and died.
I’m still fascinated by cemeteries and gravestones. They are snapshots of the past. Recordings of history. A glimpse of a persons life billed down to a name, dates and a perhaps a few words.
However, now I’m beginning to realize that these are a very small part of history.
I used to think that the majority of people were buried and had tombstones.
My wife does not. Her daughter does not. I will not either.
Someday, we will all be forgotten. Just like everyone who has passed before us.