When I started to rebuild my life and identity as a single man after my wife died, I stumbled across the Solo podcast and community. Many of the episodes and posts were enlightening and encouraging. I heard about single people who were happy, intelligent, thoughtful and cool who lived fulfilling lives as solos.
Over the past 5 years, I became more involved with the community via its online forum. I was a guest on one episode. I helped the host with the forum and some podcast episodes. I’ve interacted with a handful of other forum members and received valuable advice and occasional support.
I’m a fan.
However, I can’t always relate to other Solos. Some have never had successful romantic relationships. Others never had any interest in being partnered up. Some are openly antagonistic toward traditional “escalator relationships” (dating, marriage, monogamy, kids etc.).
Not me.
I loved having committed relationships with girlfriends and being monogamous. I loved being married. The commitment, the sharing of responsibilities, the mutual caring, the exclusivity – it was all good.
Some solos proclaim, ” I am good at relationships…andI finally realized that nothing is wrong with me”. When they say this, they provide examples of sibling relationships, friendships and short-term romances. When I hear this, I often think they are protesting too much.
For whatever reason, they never had a “successful romantic relationship” as defined by society’s norms. Some are divorced. Some never married. Some never had a long-term romantic relationship or even a short term one.
I get it.
Chance, opportunity, personality, finances, appearance, and many other factors both within and outside of our control all factor into whether we meet someone, fall in love and stay together. We all live with the cards we are dealt.
I was lucky that my circumstances and personality led me down a path that fit me. I suspect many solos feel the same way about their personal journey.
Others express sadness, resentment, regret and disappointment with their lives.
It’s these solos with whom I cannot relate.
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with traditional escalator relationships, monogamy and commitment.
But, on the opposite side, I don’t think that someone who has never been in love or partnered up is broken either.
I feel sorry for any solo who feels trapped or disappointed that their life didn’t turn out the way they planned. But I don’t feel connected to them simply because we’re both part of the solo community.