It occurred to me yesterday how unwilling I am to change my ways. This is in stark contrast to to friends of mine, both my age, who completely changed their lives and routines as soon as they got into a “serious” relationship.
I completely understand how this happens. I’ve been there and done that – when I was 15 with my first love, when I was 16 with another and when I was 17 with my long term term high school girlfriend. When I began dating my future wife at 21, I completely molded my life around hers. Everything changed – where I lived, my friends, how I spent my time, my hobbies, etc.
In each of those cases, I wanted to be with my girlfriends so much, I was willing to do anything to mold my life around hers. And, doing this, made my life better. It was worth the compromises.
My two friends obviously feel that way too.
I felt much differently when I began dating a few years after my wife died. I am no longer willing to mold my life around someone else’s. In fact, my ambivalence around dating was due to the thought of everything I’d have to give up and the changes I’d have to make to accommodate a relationship. I like how I’ve designed my single life. I like my weird schedule, my free time and my activities. My days are full and usually fulfilling.
Most of the women I dated had been single for years. They were around my age. They had established careers, social lives, and routines. They were divorced and/or had long term relationships that hadn’t worked out. A few had kids. Most did not.
I think one of the reasons it was hard to connect with some of them was because they were in the same spot I was. They had built lives that were pretty comfortable and satisfying as single women. They, like me, were open to finding something more with someone, but weren’t driven to it.
They had been there and done that too.
Maybe we were all hoping to feel that “magic spark” of excitement we had when we were younger and be swept of of our feet.
Or maybe, that doesn’t exist for people like us (or just me?) anymore because we’re not kids anymore.
Perhaps, this is a problem with dating over 50 when you have your shit together. I am not so unique.