The only positive thing about my brief facebook experiment last year was that an old friend reached out to me.
In high school we were good friends. We’d round up a group of our mutual friends and go to dances, haunted houses, miniature golfing and more.
She remained my friend even though I would consistently drop her (and everyone else) whenever I had a girlfriend.
Even so, most of the time, I was a good friend to her.
When she went to Germany for 3 months as a foreign exchange student in 11th grade, I arranged a welcome back party for her. Imagine her surprise when she got off the plane and was greeted by 20 friends and then shuttled home to a surprise party.
When she was laid up in the hospital after having her wisdom teeth removed, I showed up with ice cream and jokes.
When she got hit by a car and broke her leg, I rounded up the troops and we hung out in her bedroom while she recovered.
I was not attracted to her in the same way that I was to my girlfriends, but our friendship was deep.
After high school we lost touch.
She went away to a private college. I stayed local, eventually dropped out and struggled to build a career. I was ashamed of my failures and lost touch with everyone from high school. By the time I felt good about myself, I’d built a new life with my my wife and family.
Of all the people who might contact me from the past, she is one of the select few I’d wanted to hear from.
We reconnected via email and had a call.
It turned out that her career also veered off in a different direction than planned. Instead of becoming a doctor, she went into marketing and then joined the CIA!
As we reminisced on the phone and caught each other up on our lives, I learned she had stage four cancer but was currently in remission. She’d passed the 5 year survival mark the previous year.
She wanted to get together sometime in person.
I hesitated. Although we both lived in Florida, just 4 hours apart now, I hate to travel and am not much of a social person. I’m lazy, selfish and introverted.
A week later my wife was diagnosed with lung cancer.
At first, when we were told it was Stage 1, I didn’t want to tell my friend since she was Stage 4. Then later as it spread and my wife’s condition deteriorated, I didn’t want to share the sad details with my friend. Eventually, I knew I had no capacity to be her friend. I couldn’t deal with my wife having cancer and my newly reconnected friend having cancer.
So I stopped calling her.
My wife died in mid-December. A few weeks later my friend send me a Merry Christmas text. I was a wreck and couldn’t talk, but I sent her a long text reply letting her know about my wife and the past 9 months.
A few weeks later, I was able to hold myself together enough to call my friend. She suggested we get together sometime and once again, I made excuses.
I figured, I’ll meet up with her sometime down the road – when I felt up to it. As if I had all the time in the world.
As I was planning my route out of Florida, it occurred to me that I could arrange it so I could see my friend on my way up north.
I had my usual selfish concerns.
- It’s out of my way.
- I want to get out of Florida ASAP and this will delay me.
- It’s inconvenient.
- I’m afraid to reconnect with a friend who has Stage 4 cancer.
- I’m not looking for a relationship or friendship.
- Maybe I’ll feel more up to it next year when I return to Florida to see Zack.
- Yada, yada, yada
Then it occurred to me that now might be my only chance to ever see her.
She’s got Stage 4 cancer. That’s a bad f***ing deal.
I don’t care what the websites say about “You are not a statistic. You may be able to be treated successfully to extend the quality and length of your life. Treatments improve all the time. Statistics are old.”
I understand why they say it. Hope is a powerful thing. Some people do “beat the odds” at least for a while.
But the statistics don’t lie. Stage 4 cancer is bad. My friend will die from it – likely sooner rather than later. She’s already beaten the odds for 5 years.
And the only thing she has asked from me was to get together sometime.
So I reached out to her to offer to visit her, if she’s still interested.
It turned out she was in the hospital for what she called a “minor surgery”. I know from experience that there’s no such thing with late stage cancer. Every treatment means something bad is happening.
But even so, she was thrilled to hear from me and said she absolutely wants me to visit.
So my first destination will be to see her. After that, I’ll head off onto the highways and into the wilderness.
I hope my visit in some way brings a little happiness to her life.
Perhaps it will be a rekindling of the friendship we had so many years ago. Perhaps we’ll reminisce about the good times we had together when our lives were simpler and happier.
She’ll meet my dog and see my camper. I’ll see her house and meet her kid.
Maybe we’ll just share a few laughs, a few tears or a meal.
It could be the start of a new friendship, no matter how long it lasts.
One thing I learned from wife is to embrace the moment and enjoy the people around me right now. In an instant, things can all change. Right now is all we have.
No matter what happens with this visit, I am going to try to do just that.