Whenever life hits me with a problem, whether it’s a minor inconvenience or it’s The Universal F***ing, there are only two actions that get results:
- Accept that the current situation is what it is. It doesn’t matter if I think it’s unfair. It doesn’t matter if I deserve better. It doesn’t matter if I just need a break. None of this changes the current situation.
- Take action and do something about it. Talking about my problem never resolves it. Talking may help me work through an approach or come up with an action plan. But whining, complaining and looking for sympathy by rehashing my woes over and over is not effective.
When I suspected I had a hernia last summer, I chose to take no action. I decided I would wait to see if it got worse.
It did.
I worried about it for 7 months – talking to people about it, thinking about it and reading all kinds of stuff on the internet about it. I thought about how unfair it was that I got a hernia when I didn’t have health insurance. I thought about the high cost of the ACA in my state. I worried about costs, complications, surgery and recovery.
None of that got me any closer to solving my problem.
My hernia problem was resolved by taking two simple actions:
- I visited a surgeon for a diagnosis and came up with the money to pay cash for my surgery.
- I had the surgery.
Problem solved.
I have a friend who needs a job.
He left what he had hoped would be a lifelong career position over a year ago. Except for a few fits and starts he’s been unemployed since.
Now his unemployment benefits have been exhausted.
He needs to work for the money, for the socialization and for his own self esteem.
He knows this. He admits it readily and has talked about it to me and many others for countless hours over the past year.
But instead of hunting for a job, he waits for “something to come up” and occasionally peruses the job boards.
My friend doesn’t want my advice.
Even so, I’ve given it to him many times. I told him that when I was unemployed, I was aggressive and desperate to find a job. I didn’t take weeks or months off. I started my search immediately and applied for anything I thought I could land.
My friend told me he “just needs to catch a break” and he hopes that something “comes in” for him in the next few weeks.
Th problem is, he’s been saying this for a year.
He’s had some good breaks – the pandemic CARES act doubled his unemployment benefits. He has health care for life through the military. He lives a fairly frugal life so he can maintain his lifestyle on a minimal income.
But he is so wrapped up in self pity that he can’t get off the stick and take action.
I’ve tried to help him with advice, with sympathy and with suggestions. But now I realize that while he obsessively talks about his work problem, he’s not taking any of my advice. In fact, he doesn’t want my advice.
So what am I going to do about it?
I decided to stop giving advice. I won’t listen to him drone on and on about his problems nor will I listen to his self pity party anymore.
Since he doesn’t want my advice, I’ll keep it to myself.
As for his problems, they’ll get resolved one way or another.
I hope he finds his way out without too much suffering, but I have done everything I could to help with that. In the end, like all of us, he must take action – or not. And deal with the consequences.