I still think about Ellen nearly every day. The good memories have supplanted the awful ones from the final eight months of our lives together. I cherish these memories. We created a wonderful life.
I’ve noticed that I only have a desperate longing for her now when I am in an emotionally agitated state. When Snickers was suffering and I was planning her end of life, I wished I could talk to Ellen. When I had to undergo my two hernia repair surgeries I wanted her by my side to comfort me. Even after I have one of my rare bad night’s sleep, I’ll be a wreck the next day and will often want to seek refuge in her embrace.
I don’t “talk” to her anymore. But I will think, “Ellen would have said…” or “Ellen would have done this“. Most of the time, what she would have said or done is the right thing for me to do now.
I don’t talk about being a widower to many people anymore. It’s part of me. The hole will always be there. But it is not fodder for casual conversations with acquaintences who didn’t know me when she was alive. To them, I’m the sorta weird, single dude who walks his dog all the time.
I don’t feel like I’m married anymore. I feel like I am in suspended animation. Life goes on…and yet…in some ways it feels like it stopped when she died 4 years ago and I am living in some kind of dream reality.
It’s not bad. Sometimes it is great.
But often, it doesn’t feel like real life.