The first time I got drunk I was 15 years old. I had tagged along with my sister to a college party. It was a blast.
I drank as much as possible, as fast as possible, to get as drunk as possible. I was silly. I fit in with the college kids. I had fun. I did some stupid things. The next day I work up with a brutal hangover and realized I had given away all of my money (thankfully it was only $10).
The last time I got drunk was two decades later. Like the first time, I drank as much as possible, as fast as possible, to get as drunk as possible.
But a lot else had changed.
From Occasional Drinker to Daily Drinker
I loved getting drunk. It was the only way I could really relax. My problems melted away. I could laugh. I could pick up girls without feeling self conscious. I could have deep and meaningful conversations with my friends.
I never drank on work or school nights because drinking gave me wicked hangovers. The day after drinking I was useless – my head felt like it was being split in two, I puked for hours and I couldn’t get out of bed.
For years, my hangovers kept me from drinking too often. As much as I liked being drunk, I could only handle a hangover once every few weeks.
That all changed when I was in my mid-twenties. My wife and I went on vacation to Deep Creek Lake. One evening while she was getting ready to go out to dinner, I drank wine while feeding the ducks. Then we had more wine with dinner.
For the first time in my life, I got pleasantly buzzed and woke up the next day with no hangover! I remember thinking, “No wonder people drink wine!”
I repeated this for the rest of our vacation. It was a great vacation. We swam, read books, baked in the sun, boated and relaxed all week.
I didn’t think about being a college-dropout loser a crappy job, that our bills were stacking up, or that I had to go back to work after vacation until we returned home after vacation on Sunday. I had a bad case of the Monday Blues. I wished we were still on vacation.
And then I thought,
I know how I can feel like I’m still on vacation. I could drink some wine.
So I drank some wine with dinner and got pleasantly buzzed on a Sunday night – which I had never done before. It made my Monday Blues fade away.
I woke the next morning with no hangover.
This went so well that I decided I would drink wine Friday and Saturday nights to relax, and occasionally on Sundays, if I really needed to.
Within a week I thought, “I live in a college town where the weekends start early so I might as well drink Thursdays too.”
Pretty soon, I thought, “This isn’t hurting anyone, I’ll just drink every night.”
And so I did.
In Over My Head
By the time I hit my 30s, our lives had improved. I was making good money. I had a happy marriage and a series of major career advancements. My wife had a good job. Our kids were nearly grown. We owned a house and a dog. We had good friends.
But inside my mind was always racing. I was under constant financial stress from living beyond our means. I hung onto ancient grudges and resentments against former employers, family and friends that went back decades. I felt like a fraud at work, always worrying what would happen when my boss realized that I wasn’t good enough. I regretted things that happened in the past.
Drinking enabled me to deal with all of this.
I looked forward to my first drink of the night. The warmth would flow through me as I relaxed and got buzzed. I’d start drinking the minute I got in the door after work and wouldn’t stop until I passed out sometime after dinner.
I’d wake the next morning, pop a few Excedrin, hit the gym, go to work and look forward to the end of the day when I could go home and unwind once more.
Quitting Drinking The First Time
A few years after I’d become a daily drinker, my wife and I decided to relocate to Florida. I quit drinking for two reasons:
- I wanted to lose weight so I was skinny for the beaches when we got to Florida.
- I had to start a new job, pack everything, sell the house, relocate 1200 miles away, find a new home and get established in a new community. I realized that I’d need to use my normal after work drinking hours to accomplish all of this.
So I quit drinking entirely – except for once a week on Friday or Saturday night.
Over a 3 month period, I lost weight. My morning headaches went away. I was able to get everything done and we relocated successfully.
It went so well that I decided I’d continue to not drink (except for Saturday nights) after we relocated.
That lasted for about 2 weeks. Then one day I thought, “We made it. We’re here. I deserve to drink.”
A Decade of Daily Drinking
With the exception of that 3 month hiatus, I got drunk nearly every night for 10 years.
Towards the end, I was embarrassed to be seen sloppy drunk around my friends, so we stopped going out with other couples after work.
When I talked on the phone at night, I’d slur my words and people would ask “Are you drunk?” so I stopped calling people after work.
I had long since given up on controlling my weight by not drinking. I still exercised every morning and tried to eat right, but I was a least 20 lbs overweight.
I knew I was drinking too much, but otherwise, life seemed pretty good.
Then My Wife Got Sick
She needed to have long term treatment and wanted to return to our hometown to get it.
Having escaped the dreary winters and loving life in Florida, I didn’t want to return to Pittsburgh.
But she had a serious, life threatening disease and was afraid. So once again, I found a new job, packed up our stuff, sold the house and relocated. This time I didn’t stop drinking.
Moving back was disappointing. I dreaded the upcoming winter, resented that we had “given up” on my Florida dream life, felt like a failure and was anxious about my wife’s upcoming treatments.
Life Went Downhill
Soon after we moved back I broke my foot and could not exercise for months. It was winter. It was cold. My wife’s treatments were about to start. I hated my job. It was in a different industry, I worked from home and I traveled a lot.
I went stir crazy.
I put on 60 lbs in a few months due from eating junk food, drinking each night and not exercising.
My wife had surgery. Then her treatments began. They made her very sick and bedridden several days a week.
I was miserable.
Crossing Too Many Lines
Throughout my life, I lived according to a rigid set of rules (that I made up). I believed that living this way made me a better man.
But the more I drank, the more I broke my rules.
- I’ll never get drunk and out of control (crossed that line when I was 15)
- I’ll never drink and drive (crossed that line many times)
- I’ll never be an alcoholic (I started to wonder – was I an alcoholic?)
- I’ll never get fat again (crossed this one many times)
- I’ll never move back to Pittsburgh (yet there I was)
- I’d never have a bad relationship with my kids (neither really talked to me anymore)
- I’ll never be a college drop out (oops)
- and so on
Clearly I had failed at keeping these rules and many more.
But these failures didn’t make me think that drinking might be the problem. Drinking was my solution. It was the only way I could live with the failure I had become.
The Final Straw
I was working a trade show with my boss. I wasn’t selling much at my new job and needed to impress him.
After a long day working the trade show booth, a coworker came over with a glass of wine. He said, “They’re giving these out over there. You should go get one. We can chill out for while before we meet our customers for dinner later.”
It was only 3PM. I knew I couldn’t start drinking because if I started now, I’d be passed out by dinner.
So I declined.
He drank his wine and decided to get another. He said, “You sure you don’t want one?”
I thought, “Why not? I deserve a drink after this stressful day.”
One glass led to two or three. Then I went back to my hotel bar and drank until dinner. Then I drank more at dinner.
The rest of the night I can only recall in hazy flashbacks.
We were in New Orleans. I remember walking Bourbon street hitting several bars. I remember ditching my coworker. I remember paying for round after round of drinks. I remember stumbling down the streets trying to find my way back to my hotel.
I remember crossing several more lines that night that I won’t detail here.
The Bottom
I woke the next morning to pounding in my hotel door. I had slept through the morning trade show. I was hungover and still drunk.
My wallet was empty. My credit cards and cash were gone. My glasses were broken. I only recalled bits and pieces of the night before.
I was fat. I hated my job. I was a college dropout. I hated where I lived. I was neglecting my wife. My kids barely spoke to me.
I was so ashamed I couldn’t look myself in the mirror.
And I couldn’t even stop drinking for one night.
What a loser.
I wished I was dead.
I lost my fear of flying that day. I remember hoping the plane would crash and relieve me of my misery. But it didn’t.
A Way Out
That night back at home, I told my wife I had a drinking problem and needed help to quit. I apologized for being such a failure and such a loser.
My wife was completely supportive. She talked me through the night and helped me find help the next day.
I got help the next day and my entire life changed.
I haven’t had a drink in over 14 years.
I didn’t think drinking was my problem.
My life was my problem. My past was my problem. My job was my problem. My weight was my problem. My wife was my problem. My kids were my problem. My confidence was my problem. My lack of education was my problem.
Drinking was my solution. It was how I coped with all of this.
But once I quit drinking, I learned how to deal with all of my other problems.
For me, it had to start with not drinking – even though I wanted to everyday for a while.
The I had to take specific actions to solve my problems. Sometimes this was hard. Other times it was easy.
A surprising thing happened. Everything got better. I became closer to my wife. My kids started talking to me again. I lost the weight. I got a better job. I started to like where we lived. I made new friends. My confidence returned.
Even when life dealt me setbacks, I was able to handle it without drinking.
Today I don’t need to drink.
I don’t mind being around people who drink. Many of my colleagues, friends and acquaintances drink. Some drink a little and some a lot. It’s none of my business.
I’m just grateful I’m no longer in that dark place where drinking was my only solution.
Drinking helped me cope with life for a long time. Quitting drinking transformed my life and me into something immeasurably better.
If you think you might have a problem with drinking, there’s a way out. I found it and you can too (contact me if you want to discuss).