After my wife died I searched for forums, books, blogs and podcasts about being a widowed man at 50. I wasn’t expecting I would find answers to the sadness I felt. I was hoping I would find stories of others whom I could relate to – that maybe through their stories I could learn something…anything…that might help.
It was a bust. I discovered:
- Several blogs from 30-something women who had lost their husbands who wrote about raising small children, navigating romance and remarrying.
- A forum for widowed men that was populated by retired septuagenarian and octogenarian men whom I could not relate to.
- Books written by young fathers who lost their wives in tragic accidents and now were learning to be a single parent while looking for a new wife.
- Podcasts that focused on grieving widows who were in the midst of overwhelming sadness and grief.
The one book that I found helpful was “The Year Of Magical Thinking” by Joan Didion. She wrote about grief, life and what happened after her husband of 40 years died suddenly and unexpectedly. Although our lives were vastly different, I could relate to many of the thoughts and feeling she so vividly wrote about in this book.
Despite not finding my “tribe” I’m still open to looking. Last week, I came across a book at the library that was written by a women who’s husband had died a few years ago. She interviewed 24 different men about how they adjusted and what their lives were like after their wives died.
I thought his might be an interesting read for me. Now that I’m on the other side of grief, I felt I could read this without feeling sad.
I was right about one of these. The book did not make me sad – because the stories were un-relatable for me.
With one exception, the men in the book were all much older than me (baby boomers or older). Apparently they were all part of a grief support group the author attended in her winter hometown in Florida.
Most of them talked about getting support from their Church, their children and their extended family. The majority of them remarried within a year or two – often to a widowed friend or a member of their church. Many of them spoke of having to learn how to take care of themselves for the first time in their lives – cooking, cleaning, etc. Some expressed regret at having worked too much when their wives were alive. For the most part, all of them lived very conventional lives. School, marriage, babies, work, retirement, grandchildren, retirement communities, aging, age related diseases, etc.
I think the author did wrote for the community that she knows best. I don’t fault her for writing what she did. It’s just not for me.
For the most part, I think I’m just an ordinary average guy There’s nothing special or incredibly unique about me. On the other hand, my specific life choices and circumstances separate me from others. My timeline doesn’t sync with people in my generation (GenX) and my current lifestyle doesn’t align with people whom I share common experiences like being retired and widowed.
It’s cool. This isn’t some new revelation for me.
One day I might stumble across another widower in similar circumstances to me. But better yet, I hope he stumbles across my blog when he is looking for something to relate to.
I will probably never know.