One of the main reasons my wife waited 10 years before marrying me was because, in her words, “I don’t want you to look back someday in the future and be stuck with an old woman”.
She first told me this when I asked her to marry me when I was 21 and she was 40. I told her I didn’t care about our age difference at all. I adored her and thought she was beautiful. I told her nobody would care about our age difference when she was 100 and I was 80.
I never paid much attention to her aging (or me aging) during our 29 years together. I always thought she was beautiful. For much of our marriage she was able to keep up with me in terms of energy, youth and enthusiasm. Later in our marriage, multiple serious health issues took their toll on her physical abilities. The changes these brought were life impacting. But we both adjusted and made accommodations.
Did I notice other signs of her aging? Of course I did. I also them in me. But generally, I paid it little attention.
She was my wife and the love of my life. I was committed to to her until death do we part.
This year marks six years since she died. Now when I look at women who are 20 years older than me, I see old women.
When I look at women my own age, I see old women.
You know who doesn’t look old to me? Women who are in their 20s, 30s and 40s. And actors and celebrities who’ve had plastic surgery, botox, fillers and other enhancements (including filters and photo editing).
I do think about aging a lot more today than I once did – probably because I’m older and have seen more life and death. My dating experiment a few years ago also opened my eyes to generational differences, attractiveness and my own expectations.
A few weeks ago I saw the book “Face” by Justine Bateman on a shelf at the library and I picked it up. She was one of my celebrity crushes from high school back in the 1980s. On the book cover, she looks old. She doesn’t have the wrinkle free, tight skin, polished look of most other starlets. Instead, her skin is weathered, tan, crisscrossed with smile lines and brow furrows. She looks…normal.
I read the book which is a series of stories from women about aging and the societal pressure/inner struggles with appearance.
It was eye opening for me. I never paid much attention to aging and had no idea how much it impacted women (or at least those whose stories were in the book). It’s also made me start to question my own thoughts about beauty. I thought it was little heavy on LA women & actresses but that’s the world the author lives in, so it’s understandable.
It also helped me understand, just a little bit, how much effort my wife put into looking beautiful – from hair coloring to nails to makeup and skin treatments. I have a new appreciation for the amount of time and effort women put into this.
It’s also made me pause and shift my perspective on beauty. I see many older women every day at the pool – without make-up, well groomed hair or for that matter, much covering up their bodies. I have a new respect for them and am taking the time to notice the beauty they display, in ways I hadn’t seen before.