When I was small child, I wished my parents would stop fighting and not get divorced.
When we moved across the state to a strange city where I had no friends and no relatives, I wished we would move back “home” to Tamaqua.
When I was a flabby 7th grade adolescent recently interested in girls, I wished one of my classmates would see the “real me” and become my girlfriend.
When my stepfather would go down to the basement at night where he made us lock up the dog and kick the sh** out of Shadow until he was squealing in pain, I wished I could make him stop.
When I was a teenager, full of confidence and acing high school, I wished I was bigger, stronger, faster and tougher so that I never had to worry about getting into fights.
When I ran out money and dropped out of college after 2 years, with no degree, limited skills and no connections, I wished someone would recognize my innate genius so they would offer me a high paying job.
When I worked for sketchy companies, I wished they would pay my commissions on time, deliver on promises they made and do the right thing.
When my wife got sick, I wished I could make her better.
When she got worse over the next 15 years, I wished we didn’t have to deal with huge health care expenses, constant insurance hassles, untold complications and ever increasing health issues.
When the doctor found a lump in my wife’s lung, I wished the biopsy would show it was benign.
When it turned out to be cancer, I wished it hadn’t spread.
When she died, I wished it had been me instead.
I still wish for lots of things. What’s different is now I never count on my wishes to come true.
Instead I think of a a line I read in book many years ago. In it , a man tells a boy, “Hold out both hands. Look at your left hand and wish it was wet with all of your powers of concentration. Then look at your right hand and pee on it. Which one is wet?“
And so, when I wish for something now, like the end of the pandemic, warmer weather, hitting the lottery (which I don’t play), or anything else that I have absolutely no control over, I think of that man and that boy.
If I can take an action to make something happen, I’ll do it.
If I cannot, I’ll write it off as a wish.
My wishes have no impact on what happens, so I try to hold them loosely so they can float through my mind while I focus my attention on taking action on something else.