I’ve got a friend I’ve known for 20 years.
For most of those years, I checked in with him every few months to see how he was doing and to keep in touch.
Several years ago, I was complaining to my wife about my seemingly one-sided friendship and she said, “In the past 15 years, how many times has he called you first?”
I thought about it and realized the answer was never. He returned my calls but had never initiated one.
My wife said, “Perhaps he’s not interested in being your friend.”
So I stopped calling him, except for once or twice a year to say hello. Since we had little in common, this was sufficient.
When my wife was dying and for several months afterward, I spoke to this friend at least once a week. Looking back, I realize that we rarely spoke about me. Instead we talked about him, his issues and his problems.
At the time, I was grateful to have any distraction from my grief and the jumbled thoughts in my head.
Things are different now.
I am no longer living in crisis/caretaker mode. I am no longer wracked with grief. I know who I am, what I value and what my place is in the world.
My friend calls me more now because his life is in chaos and nobody else will talk to him.
I know why this is. So does he.
He’s made a series of terrible decisions that affect him, his family and his friends.
Nobody approves of these decisions and yet he persists, thinking he’s right and everyone who cares about him is wrong.
I listened to him for a long time – more than year. He said things like:
“You’re the only one who hasn’t abandoned me.”
“You’re the only one who takes my side.”
“You don’t judge me.”
But I had enough. I gave him my straight opinion that I thought he was headed down a dark and painful path that will only get worse.
I told him I wouldn’t nag him about this but at the same time, I was no longer willing to rehash his problems unendingly because now he knows what I think.
Since that conversation, he calls me occasionally under a presence of checking in to see how I’m doing. As quickly as possible, he diverts the conversation to his latest chaotic life issues and his plans to “win”.
My response is to tell him I feel really bad for him, that he has surrounded himself with sick people and that I hope things work out the way he wants.
It is not surprising that he calls me less and less now.
I’m fine with that. We have nothing in common but a shared history that has long passed us both by.