Losing Snickers last month made me realize that some holes inside of us can never be filled. When my wife died, a piece of me died with her and left a hole. The same thing happened when Snickers died last week. Those holes will always be part of me.
I wish I could fill them – with a new girlfriend, a new dog, a new adventure or a new home. I could try. Except I know nothing will fill those holes. So instead of futilely trying, I move on with living. I cherish the good memories. I let the tears flow when these holes make me sad. I focus on what is in front of me – right here, right now – because it is pretty damn good most of the time.
A good friend has been struggling. He recently ended a two year relationship with a woman. There’s a hole inside of him, not from her, but from long ago.
It’s the lonely hole.
He cannot stand to feel it. So he’s going to buy something to try to fill it. How do I know? Because that’s what he does. And for a little while, whatever he buys will temporarily fill that hole. Until it doesn’t. Then he’ll look for something else to fill it – another woman, another motorcycle, another guitar.
He will never be able to fill the hole. He has to learn to live with it.
My mother is a fearful person. She has been afraid her entire life. It is the thread that connects so many of her life’s choices and actions.
She has the fear hole.
Like all of us, she has tried different ways to fill the hole. 2 Marriages. Food. Work. Pets. Buying stuff & hoarding.
I imagine each brought short term relief when they temporarily filled the hole. Until they didn’t.
She’ll get another pet, buy another gadget, or binge on Netflix to find respite. But it won’t last.
She will never fill the hole. She has to learn to live with it.
I don’t know why it took me 55 years to learn this lesson.
I always thought that eventually you could fill the hole. People change, right? I’ve changed, haven’t I?
There’s maturation, therapy, medications, success, time, experience, recovery, learning and growth.
Don’t those things fill the hole?
Not for me.
Those things are all good. They make it easier to live with the hole. Perhaps they make the hole less deep. Or maybe they make me feel it less frequently.
But it is there.
And I have to live with it.
I am glad that I can.