My friend recently broke up with his on-again/off-again girlfriend and is back on the dating apps. He told me about his successes and failures in his first few weeks. There’s nothing new here. He has a track record of finding attractive women to date via the apps. Unlike me, he has even had a few longer term relationships come from them.
He likes to speculate about what works, what doesn’t, the algorithm, gaming the system, etc. He invests a lot of time browsing profiles, sending likes and messaging women.
After listening to him and (far too many) podcasts on relationships, I’ve realized that what most people are looking for is a Magic Formula that tells them what they need to do find love.
They think, “If only I can learn xyz, then I’ll attract my true love”. They read articles on how to make better profiles. They review text messages with their friends in an attempt to decipher hidden meanings. They try different photos, filters and prompts. They play hard to get – or not hard to get. They get touchy feely or act aloof. They lose weight. They attempt to present themselves as adventurous, lighthearted and carefree.
None of it matters because there is no magic formula.
Someone is either attracted to you or not. They make a choice to commit to you or not. They love you or they don’t.
All of these can change over time. Feelings change. Attraction changes. Love changes.
I think it comes down to this – two people decide they want to be together. If they mutually agree to accept each other’s good and bad characteristics instead of searching for someone “better”, they have a chance to have a relationship.
For that relationship to last, they have to make that same choice over and over again.
If one or both decide it’s no longer worth it, then it will end.
There is magic that comes from falling in love, commitment, building long term love, caring for someone else, being cared for and building a life together. I know. I had it.
But there is no magic formula for getting it so you might as well just be yourself. With any luck, you’ll find someone who likes you enough – just the way you are.
If you don’t find that special someone, your life will still be better for being yourself.