My entire life has been about control.
In school, I was determined to get straight As and be recognized as the smartest kid. I complied with the system, studied and worked hard to do this.
At work, I sought autonomy, money and authority. I followed the rules, used my brains and worked hard to obtain these.
But now that I’m on the road, my efforts to control the world around me are futile.
- I exercise outdoors. Gone are the days of timed workouts, level floors and precise exercises. The rain, the sun, the wind and the dirt force me to adjust constantly. Sometimes I can’t workout at all due to the elements, the time or the location.
- At home I had my choice of 5 grocery stores. I had 2 Publix Stores, Trader Joe’s, Lucky’s Market and Whole Foods all within 15 minutes of my home. On the road, I am lucky if there’s a small-town grocery store or Walmart within 30 miles of my camp.
- I no longer manage my day by the clock. In fact most of the time I don’t even know what day it is.
- Sometimes it’s too cold or dark to get out of bed. Sometimes I’m lost. Often I’m driving or waiting.
- Internet access is sporadic. At night, I don’t watch TV and YouTube gives me a headache. I’ll listen to the radio, read, write, watch the sky or simply go to bed when it gets dark.
My days used to be meticulously planned down to the minute.
I’ve realized now that I was never in control. I only thought I was. It was an illusion. I scheduled, planned and micromanaged my day in an effort to control life.
But I couldn’t control the things that mattered most.
My wife got lung cancer, suffered horribly and died. I couldn’t control the doctors, her disease or her suffering.
I fell apart after she died. I couldn’t control my thoughts or emotions.
I tried to give away our cherished belongings. I couldn’t control what people would take vs. what I out on the curb for the trash.
I couldn’t control the pain I caused others or myself while grieving.
One reason I am living on the road is to learn how live without being in control.
It turns out, I never was.