Despite a lifetime spent honing my skills as a reclusive introvert, people like talking to me. I, on the other hand, appreciate silence punctuated by occasional deep meaningful conversations with people I know well.
Over the Christmas Holiday, I’ve been worn out from talking.
A neighbor asked me to drop in for a visit. I wasn’t particularly enthusiastic to visit anyone, but didn’t want to be rude so I stopped by for what I thought would be a 30 minute chat. I didn’t escape for nearly two hours. The next day, I felt hungover when I was working out. I realized it was from my visit the previous day. Spending hours listening closely, paying attention and empathizing had sapped my energy.
A friend, who shall remain nameless, has been calling me a lot these past two weeks. He wasn’t calling to ask how I was doing over the holidays. He wasn’t checking in since he knows this historically had been a particularly sad time of the year for me.
He’d been calling because he had broken up (for the 6th time?) with his girlfriend – again. He hates feeling sad and lonely (who doesn’t?). But unlike me, when he feels sad and lonely he likes to get on the phone and obsessively opine about his actions, her reactions, rationalizations, the relationship, psychology, etc.
The first few times I’ve heard his tales of woe, I felt bad for my friend. I get caught up in the same empathetic morass I felt for my neighbor. The next day, I get the same emotional hangover which only subsides by rethinking our conversation until I come to the conclusion that “This is not my problem.”
As I thought more about it, I realized that in each of these conversations, I hardly had a chance to speak. In fact, during these talks at some point each person said to me, “I’ve been taking all about myself. How are you doing?”, then giving me a few seconds to begin my reply before immediately launching back into their monologue.
I get it. Some people love to talk.
And I’m an active, attentive listener. I pay full attention. I ask questions. I nod enthusiastically. Of course people enjoy talking to me.
It’s no wonder I feel drained. Being part of a one sided conversation is hard work.
Although I was somewhat taken by surprise over the holidays, I know what to do. I got back on the wagon. My phone is silenced. I’m intentionally blocking out large swaths of time to do uninterrupted work. And I’m cutting one-sided conversations off quickly.
I need to build up some reserves again.