I was talking to a friend who was full of anxiety about a job he had just started.
Throughout the conversation he said things like:
- “I’m not the best worker there many of these guys have 25 years of experience over me.”
- “I’m sure they look at me and think ‘He’s that stupid new guy who can’t do anything right.’ “
- “I’ll just work hard, keep my head down and be prepared to be fired at the end of every shift because eventually they will realize I’m not good enough.”
Does my friend have a self confidence problem? I’d say so.
As for this particular job, it seems to me that he has adequate skills for an entry level worker, but he’s comparing himself to people with 10-30 years of experience and coming up short.
His self-confidence issues come from wanting everyone around him to like, respect and admire him.
I suggested he follow his own principles for being a good worker, a good man, a good partner, etc. and not worry about what others think of him. I said,
- Some people will like, respect and admire you.
- Some people will not.
- Most people will not think about you at all.
And rest assured, if you suck at the job and they don’t want you there, they’ll fire you eventually.
I thought about my own life. As a child, a teen and a young adult I cared a lot about what others thought of me.
I tried to look cool. I wanted to be attractive. I wanted to be powerful and admired.
I was often shy. I lacked confidence in many areas. I felt like an outsider.
It was difficult.
As I grew older I faced more of life’s challenges. I learned that I could overcome many challenges and also survive failures.
There were small successes like giving a speech, making a sales pitch, changing a deadbolt and interviewing for a job. There were big ones like raising a family, confronting bullies and dealing with losing a much needed job.
Eventually, there was dealing with my wife’s chronic long term health issues, caring for loved ones, death and surviving unimaginable grief.
It was through hardship that I became free.
Freedom came when I stopped caring that people thought I was a nerd for getting straight A’s in school. I committed to this path and dedicated myself to it.
Freedom came when I stopped caring that I was the absolute worst wrestler on the college team and instead reveled in the fact that I was a walk-on for a Division 1 wrestling team practicing with people who were Olympians and NCAA champs.
Freedom came when I decided I would dress the way I felt comfortable instead of trying to impress the women and men I worked with.
Freedom came when I fell in love with and married a woman 19 years older than me from a far different background, regardless of what anyone else thought.
Freedom came after she died and in my grief, I thrashed about in the only way I could to keep from killing myself. When I reached the other side of this grieving madness, I had made a lot of mistakes, but I was able to start rebuilding a solo life.
Today I live freely.
I do not care what others think about me. Yes, It would be nice if people think I’m a kind, friendly, generally decent guy. Because I am.
But surely, many people don’t think of me at all and others think poorly of me.
After all, I’m a weirdo. I’m out of sync with my peers. I live a strange and solo life. I exercise a lot. I talk to my dogs more than I talk to people some days. I dress like I’m going camping or doing CrossFit all the time. I practice the drums religiously with no intention of ever playing in a band. I work on self improvement and learning solely to satisfy myself.
What others think of me is none of my business. What I do is generally none of their business.
Freedom. There’s a price, but to me it’s worth it.