A few years ago my friend used to quote a line from the Hagakure to me that went something like, “I wake every morning preparing to be dead today”. For him, it was a noble sounding principle that he repeated when he was in the throes of deep depression and severe anxiety.
But when he said it, I knew it was bullshit. He didn’t embrace death, he was just full of self-pity and mentally in a bad place.*
However, when he said it to me, I was in a far different place. When wife had died the previous year, part of me died with her.
As I was grieving, I lost the will to live. I wasn’t afraid of anything – even dying. Somehow, I managed to get through the first two years. After that, it got better.
But I had completely lost any fear of death and for that matter, of almost anything else. For a few years I thought about death almost every day. Now, six years later, I think about death a little less, but still quite often.
A few days ago I was walking the dogs in the morning thinking about all of the latest news about Trump’s first 90 days in office. His decimation of the federal government, the destroying of norms, imprisoning college students and sending immigrants to El Salvador like a 3rd world dictator, alienating our allies and the whole tariff fiasco.
I felt a bit freaked out as I thought about the consequences to the world, to the US and to my own financial security and future.
And then, as I walked some more, I focused my attention on my dogs and listened to the birds in the early predawn hours. Then I felt my entire body relax as I thought whatever days I have left to live are just a brief moment in time that I have to pass through. I’ll spend them trying to have the most satisfaction that I can.
I am already dead.
*My friend has since turned his life around through therapy, medication and hard work. I’m very proud of him and happy for him.