I think about death every day.
Sometimes I think about my wife and the awful experiences we shared as she was dying from cancer.
Sometimes I think about my Grandpa, my Uncle Bob or my Aunt Es, all who died more than 30 years ago.
Sometimes I think about my neighbor who is slowly dying right now.
Sometimes I think about my dogs and cats that died many years ago
When I occasionally worry about the future, my worries quickly evaporate because, sooner or later, I’ll just be dead anyway.
I sometimes regret the decisions I made after my wife died. Getting rid of everything, selling the house, foolishly trying to live on the road and more.
But then I think, all of that prepared me for a good death.
When I die, there is very little anyone will need to do to clean up my stuff or my affairs.
That brings me comfort. I like when things are orderly.
When I am caught up in the news, a friend’s problems or my own minor frustrations, I think “This isn’t such a big deal. I can stop worrying about it. Nobody is going to die over it.”
When I snuggle with Snickers (my little old lady) , I savor our sweet moments together because she is 12 years old and nearing the end of her life. Her walks have dropped from several hours a day to two shorts loops around the block. Mostly she sleeps, eats and basks in the sunshine.
That’s good enough for me. She has earned an easy, comfortable life in her final years..
I will most likely outlive her, which makes me sad.
I’m not rushing toward death. I no longer have suicidal thoughts. I don’t feel as if life is meaningless or empty. I don’t make rash decisions nor do I engage in impulsive, risky behavior.
In fact it’s the opposite. I love my life today. I spend nearly every day doing simple things that bring me satisfaction, purpose and joy.
On the other hand, I have no greater purpose driving me today. No family to care for, no mission to accomplish, no ambitious plans for the future.
I have nothing to live for and nothing to die for.
That is different than how I felt for most of my life.
Different but not bad .
It frees me to live in the moment without worrying about tomorrow.
Because if I’m here tomorrow, I’ll deal with it then. And if I’m dead tomorrow, it won’t be my problem.