My friend, who’s my age and single, has been using online dating again. He has had what I consider a moderate level of success. Every week or so, he goes on a real-life, in-person date with a woman he finds attractive. In between these dates, he is usually in the midst of some kind of texting relationship/getting to know you “conversations” with potential dates.
He has told me about his dates and his “conversations”. He enjoys them. He likes meeting new people. He likes talking about himself and what he value. He likes judging whether these women would be his perfect lifelong partner.
Yuck.
I would not enjoy any of this, which is just one reason why I don’t do online dating.
I was a bit surprised the other day when he said he’s taking a break from online dating because he’s tired of it. He tells me all the time, “It’s a numbers game. You have to rule someone in or out quickly and not get caught up in whether someone accepts, rejects or ignore your overtures.” Then he says when he gets to the in person dating stage, he knows what he is looking for and can decide rather quickly if a woman isn’t up to his standards.
Not a single woman woman has ever been up to his standards for more than a few weeks.
I’ve told him that my long term relationships were all with women I had known prior to dating. We were classmates at school, or friends from the neighborhood, or coworkers. We had gotten to know each other and had mutual interest before we began dating. None of the women I had dated who I met randomly in person at a bar, a dance or a party ever turned into a long term relationship.
It’s one of the reasons I dislike first dates so much. It was so disappointing to spend money, time and effort only to find out we weren’t really interested in each other.
But even more importantly, by dating women I already knew, I was far less judgmental than my friend. I knew some of their flaws as well as some of their strengths. I saw them as individuals, with the upsides and downsides that come with being human.
I wasn’t spending my time on dates comparing them to every woman I “could possibly” date or measuring them against my secret “ideal woman” checklist.
My friend wants to find a lifelong partner. I told him that he is too harsh of a judge.
I told him that my wife once told me she kept dating me because her life was better with me in it than without me in it. It was that simple for her.
I kept dating her because I was head over heels in love and gaga for her.
We accepted each other’s shortcomings – and there were plenty – because our lives were better together.
If he wants to build a relationship with a woman and have a lifelong partner, it is not a numbers game. No wonder he’s unsuccessful and dissatisfied.
As a lifelong sales pro, I was often told “sales is a numbers game”. I’ve even said it myself.
But upon reflection, I realize when I acted this way it was always dissapointing:
- Applying for hundreds of jobs and not getting a single interview
- Calling thousands of leads only to eek out a few conversations and maybe one sales visit
- Or, in his case, spending hours every day scanning through pictures of women and sending messages only to result in a few desultory dates
Of course he’s unsuccessful and burned out.
I told him that he should look for women in his day to day life – at work, where he socializes and where he spends his time.
He’ll have a lot fewer “first dates” but might actually find his ideal partner.
She won’t be perfect. She won’t tick every checkbox on his list. But she might be just who he should fall in love with.
As for me, I don’t have this problem. I like perfectly imperfect women. I’ve met a few since I’ve settled down in Raleigh whom I’d like to date. Unfortunately, each of them was already in a long term relationship.
As for online dating, the only positive thing for me is that it might make it slightly easier to identify women who were not currently in a relationship and were interested in being in one.
I suppose that could make it easier to meet available women.
But, for me, it’s not compelling enough to put up with the aforementioned downsides.