While I don’t enjoy being rejected, I have had enough of it throughout my life that I’ve learned how to handle it without getting bent out of shape. A few big ones hit me quite hard and changed the trajectory of my life – my father disappearing from my life when I was 5, my first girlfriend breaking up with me and my 2nd girlfriend breaking up with me.
Of course, I’ve been rejected many other times, but none of those made nearly the impact of the big 3 above. These smaller rejections include:
- My Sister – who as near as I can tell has hated me since the day I was born.
- Extended Family Members – who clearly have no interest in having a relationship with me
- Potential & Actual Employers – who either never hired me or worse, fired me.
- Women – who turned me down for dates or relationships.
- Friends – none of my friendships ended via outright rejections, they all faded away.
- Potential Friends – lots of these. Some people won’t even make eye contact with me.
I write this because I have friends who struggle with rejection. Whether it’s a work, friendship or romantic rejection, one friend spirals into a morass of self-pity and resentment that requires months of therapy to pull out of.
Another friend who clearly has self-worth issues, nurses resentments for years against people who “he suspects” do not respect him due to some small perceived slight that he cannot let go.
I am fortunate that rejection doesn’t hit me the way it hits my friends.
Initially I may be hurt. More often, I am surprised.
But then, I usually think that my rejector has something else going on. They may be dealing with bigger issues that have nothing to do with me. They may not even see me. They might be antisocial or shy or just too busy. It’s not personal at all.
Then again, if I have had some kind of relationship history with them, I’ll know if these issues are the case. If they’ve gotten to know me, then the rejection is personal.
Either way, my mind quickly shifts to, “It’s their loss.”
Or, if I am hurt because there rejection was purposely unkind, I think, “F**k them…it’s their loss.”
And the thing is, I actually believe it.
I’m a good guy. I’m a nice neighbor. I am a great date, boyfriend and husband. I’m a pretty fabulous employee and I’m at least an OK friend.
I don’t even wish my rejector bad karma. I hope they get what they want in life.
It just won’t be coming from me.
*Note – I have tried to offer this advice to my two friends I mentioned above. It has not helped either of them. I suspect the way I’m wired and my life experiences have given me a a level of resilience that is unavailable to them. Even so, when appropriate, I’ll tell my friends, “F**k them, they don’t deserve you. It’s their loss.” I hope it helps my friends to hear this from someone who cares for them – even if they cannot feel it deep inside of themselves yet.