I could have written this song by Everclear about my father. It pretty much sums up my relationship with my father. He abandoned us when I was 5. Except for an occasional card or letter we rarely heard from him.
He got a new wife, had a baby, owned a house and new cars. My family, the one he abandoned, struggled to make rent, lived in the ghetto, had a barely functional car, and lived in poverty and neglect.
My sister and I visited my father once when I was in 4th grade. We didn’t see him again until he showed up for my sister’s high school graduation 6 years later She invited him.
When I graduated two years later, I did not invite him. I did not want him there. But he showed up with his family anyway. The night before my graduation, he pulls out a legal document releasing him from child support payments for my mother to sign, ”since Steven is now 18“.
I was so angry, I wanted to punch him in the face. I would have except his 5 year old daughter was there and my girlfriend pulled me away. I stormed out of the house yelling that I knew he had an ulterior motive for showing up!
I didn’t speak to him again for 15 years.
When I was in my mid-thirties, as a consequence of therapy, I reached out to him to reconcile. I apologized for shutting him out, asked how I could make things right, and invited him to be a part of my life. On the call, he said that I had treated him badly. He said he assumed I was calling to ask him for money and ensure I was in his will.
I clenched my jaw and thought, “I forgive him for abandoning us, but he’s still an @sshole.” I told him I didn’t want his money.
Something changed inside of me that day. I felt this fire of hatred deep inside in my chest that had been driving me my entire life drop to a low flame. I hadn’t realized how much fury I had been carrying my entire life. It drove me to work harder, fight, push more and strive to be better.
Suddenly, by forgiving him, this fire subsided. I felt peace within myself. Paradoxically, I was able to become much more successful at everything – from being a good husband, to being a successful worker, to contributing to my community. I was still driven, just not by rage.
For the next 2 years, I did what was previously unthinkable. I called him every month to try to build a relationship with him.
After 2 years, I gave up. We had nothing in common. Our conversations were awkward and stilted. We had reconciled but that was as far as we were going to get.
A few years later, he arranged (uninvited) to visit my home with his wife and now adult daughter. They stayed for a few days. We had a few meals together and hung out for while. It was pleasant. I saw that his daughter loved him very much and was sweet to both of her parents. I think she had encouraged him to make the trip.
For the next 10 years, we occasionally exchanged emails or he’d send a card once in a while.
The last time I heard from my father was shortly after my wife died. He called to offer condolences. He was suffering from myriad health issues and had reached my voicemail. The message he left made it clear the he was not orientated to reality. I called his daughter afterward to express my concerns for his mental and physical condition. I haven’t spoken to either one since then.
Occasionally, his daughter sends a text or email – usually updating me on his health situation. This week, I received a text saying he’d fallen and broken his arm and hip.
I am very familiar with the typical downward trajectory of elderly, sick people who fall and break a hip. I expect his prognosis is predictably grim.
I feel for his wife. She is a good person who seems to be a loving wife and mother. I feel sympathy for his daughter. He was a devoted, loving father who has been close to her for her entire life.
As for me and my father, I feel nothing. I don’t even feel like I “should” feel something.
He is a stranger and has been since he abandoned us so many years ago.