I had my first date with a new woman in 32 years last night after 29 years of marriage and then 3 years of being single.
It was unlike any date I’d been on before.
It all began with an invitation from a former neighbor for “a walk or a steak sometime”. A few emails later, we had set a date and I was full of enthusiasm.
It did not go as planned (in my admittedly overactive imagination). Shortly after I walked in she said, “I didn’t know this was a ‘date’ “.
Oops. I guess I misread that one.
I had been looking forward to having a face-to-face conversation, dinner and spending time with her for over a week. Although I can’t be certain, I suspect she was also looking forward to my company.
And so, we talked for hours. We discussed our past lives, psychedelics, allopathic medicine, our current lives, friendships, families, books, nutrition, Sam Harris, Christopher Hitchens, fitness and philosophy.
After a few hours, she made the steaks while I watched her cook from the kitchen island. I watched her melt the ghee in the pans, chop bok choy and salt the steaks while we continued talking. After 3 years of self-imposed isolation due to grief and then the pandemic, it was a wonderfully simple, casual experience that reminded me of many happy memories of cooking and dining with others. 3 years is a long time to eat alone.
We ended up talking for about 4 hours. We had much in common – values, ideals, health focus, voracious appetites for reading, and unconventional lives. We are both quite direct and open.
In the end, it never turned into a “date”.
She explained gently that she had to focus on other issues in her life that required her full attention. She has a lot on her plate and is in a different place in life than me. As disappointed as I was, I can understand and accept this.
We left it that perhaps we could be friends. For now. I’m OK with that. We had an interesting and easy-going “not a date”.
Was it better than staying home? Absolutely.
Would I spend time with her again? Sure. If she’s open to it. I have a feeling we’ll see each other again – as friends.
Will I hold out for a “real date” with her? Nope. I won’t even push for it. She knows where I stand.
I want a committed relationship with a woman. I want to love and be in love again. I want to care for someone and hold her in my arms. If we build up to that over time, that would be cool. I’ve had that happen before with other women. But I also learned a long time ago that it’s best to sell where there are buyers. Today, my friend is not in market for a committed relationship with me, so I will continue to search for someone who is. **
As disappointed as I am that my “first date” in 32 years didn’t turn out the way I had hoped, I am grateful my friend reached out to me.
I didn’t “blow it”. Nor do I think she had a change of heart. I misread our email exchanges to mean something other than what she intended. If anything, I was perhaps a bit too excited. But I’m OK with that. It was an eye-opening revelation that made me realize that I am ready to find a partner.
I discovered that I’m not nearly as socially inept or awkward as I feared I had become. I am kind, charming, and at times, graceful. My wife drew me out of my shell during our marriage and taught me how to be a man. Now, this is a part of me. I’m no longer the shy, self-conscious, socially inept boy I was long ago.
I like attractive women. I like smart, articulate women. I like women who are quirky and individualistic. I am drawn to thoughtfulness and kindness. I like women who are resilient and confident. I like big smiles and joyous laughter.
I discovered I could date someone younger than me. Until yesterday, I wasn’t so sure about that. I learned a younger women could captivate me and hold her own as my peer. I didn’t feel old, nor did I feel she was naive or inexperienced. We were two equals.
So where do I go from here?
Updated a few days later after I had time to reflect.
I have no plans to look for other women to date. I want to build a relationship with her, not with someone else.
Building a relationship takes time. Of course she’s not ready to date me. In addition to her full plate, she doesn’t even know me. And I don’t know her either. I’ve decided to take the time to get to know her better (and give her time to know me better) and see what happens.
Every committed relationship I’ve ever had took time. Often they began with simple acquaintance and took weeks or months to develop into friendship and something more.
So although, like everything, even though I want what I want now, that is a totally unrealistic and childish fantasy.
I’ve got the rest of my life ahead of me.
Below was my initial reaction the day after our “date”. It took me a few more days to realize that I’m not looking for any woman. I just met a woman I like and I’m willing to commit more time to see where this leads.
I’ve left my original reaction intact below as a reminder to myself that my first thoughts aren’t always correct. ***
I plan to talk to my new friend at least once a week for now to see if we can build a lasting friendship. As long as it’s better for us together than not, I suspect we’ll be friends.
I’m still not going to do online dating*. I don’t like how it affects my thinking.
Instead, I’m going to keep my eye open for attractive women who I see regularly and will introduce myself and give them my contact info. I have a few in mind already. They can check me out online and if they want to meet for coffee, we’ll have a date. **
I’m also going to talk to everyone in my local circle of friends and acquaintances to ask for them to set me up. These are people who I like that see me regularly at the pool, in the park and around the neighborhood. I’ll ask them to pass my contact information onto women they think might be a good match for me.
I have faith they won’t steer me wrong.
Does this mean I’ll have some first dates where there is no chemistry? Undoubtedly.
But I’m not choosing partner using an algorithm designed by social engineers and trite questions crafted by silicon valley data analysts to maximize company revenue.
- I don’t care about religion – I married a Jewish woman when I was a lapsed/agnostic ex-Catholic. My beliefs have changed drastically over time.
- I don’t care about your politics – I’m not looking for your vote.
- I don’t care about answers to banal questions designed to cut out broad swaths of people from my queue.
- Age is a number – it matters somewhat as it relates to maturity and stages of life, but not as much to me as it may to others.
What am I going to tell my friends?
I am interested in meeting a woman who wants a long term, monogamous, committed relationship. I like women who are smart, articulate, into health and fitness, kind and sweet. I want to be with an attractive woman. As superficial as it makes me sound, that’s someone who is active, thin and fit, like me.
But most importantly, I’m going to ask them to use their best judgement. If they think I should meet someone they know, I’ll trust them.
We’ll see how this works out.
*As much as I am avoiding online dating, I realize that it is “selling where there are buyers”. If all else fails, I may eventually try it.
**Per my update above, I’m not doing any searching for other woman to date right now. If things with her don’t work out, I can date other women later. For now, I want to spend time with her to see what develops for us.
***As I’m writing this, all I can think is, “Sometimes I can be a real a$$hole.” I’d like to delete my entire original response but won’t because it’s a good reminder for me.