I don’t think I’ll ever get married again and lately I’ve been thinking I may never date again.
I had a happy marriage. We had unconditional love, mutual trust and companionship. We had passion, joy, children and pets. We shared our entire lives for 29 years.
Much of it was wonderful.
The first 15 years, I grew from being a child into a man. I learned how to deal with financial struggles, work challenges, raising two step kids and relationship issues. I learned about sacrifice and real love. Looking back, these first 15 years were what I now think of as my intense happy family years. They were also our poor years because I worked crappy jobs with low wages and we were constantly struggling with debt.
The next 14 years were financially easier as I progressed in my career. They were also more relaxed because the kids had moved out, leaving my wife and I empty nesters with money and time to enjoy each other’s company.
During these years, I gradually took on ever increasing caretaker duties to help my wife as her health slowly deteriorated. There were countless surgeries, medical issues, healthcare related financial stressors, issues with our adult children and a constant pressure to balance life, caretaking and future preparations. My personal desires and needs were often put on the back burner in order to deal with these issues. I am not complaining. This was the life and the woman I chose. I had not realized how much her health issues consumed our lives until now.
When we married, I committed to caring for my wife “through better and worse…until death do we part”. Looking back, I am proud that I did this while loving her all of the time and treating her well most of the time.
I had resentments and sometimes thought, “Why me? Why us? I didn’t sign up for this!” But I loved Ellen, she loved me and we made it work.
Today, and for the past 2.5 years, after nearly 3 decades, I’ve been solo.
I only have to care for myself and my dogs.
My expenses dropped so significantly that I’ve been able to retire.
I no longer worry about health insurance rules and costs changing every year since I’m healthy and uninsured.
I no longer worry about building a substantial nest egg to take care of my wife and stepson if I die.
My life doesn’t revolve around doctor visits, tests and innumerable health care issues.
I live how I want.
I go where I want to go.
I eat when I want.
My schedule is mine.
I do what I want to do.
I set the furnace and AC to whatever pleases me.
I live a simplistic, minimalistic life.
And it’s pretty damn good.
So lately I’ve been thinking, I may never even date again.
I think about my wife all the time Sometimes I think about the girlfriends I had before my wife. I loved them all.
I miss having someone to eat dinner with at night, to talk about the small stuff that happens every day, to rub each other’s backs, to take long walks together and watch movies with.
But I’m not ready to commit to another woman today. I’m not driven by the need for companionship, the desire for sex, a longing for love and wanting to have a family. These were all strong motivators when I met Ellen so many years ago.
I had all of these and much more. I had a family. I had love. I lived an entire life.
I’m starting to believe that once was enough.
Opting Out of The Dating Game
I didn’t like my brief exposure to online dating.
Since my wife died, I have asked two women out. Both turned me down. The first was in a long term committed relationship. The second was married.
Of course they were. They are attractive, sweet and joyful women. Why would they be single?
I notice attractive women all of the time.
I see them when they’re out with their kids and husbands. I see them when I’m at the pool, the grocery store and the veterinarian.
Some are young and just beginning their lives, families and careers.
Others are closer to my age. But because I married a woman 19 years older than me who already had two kids, I’m out of sync with them. I have no interest in raising kids again.
The few attractive older women I’ve met are all married.
So with my recent clarity of mind, I’ve decided I am not going to look for love (or even companionship) again. I’m not dead set against either – but it will require a woman reaching out to me, becoming my friend and making clear overtures.
Otherwise, why bother? I’m not lonely. I’m not sad. I do not feel like there is a hole in my soul or that I’m missing some experience.
Perhaps one day, I’ll meet someone and we’ll share some parts of our lives.
Perhaps not.
Either way, I’m good with that.