Fifteen years ago, I called my mentor one morning to discuss a dilemma.
I said,
“Jim, I don’t understand it. I’m unemployed with no good job prospects and growing debt. My wife is sick all of the time from her year long treatment. We won’t even know we if it’s effective until it’s over. My mother is living with us while recovering from her surgery and it’s been awkward for all of us. But in general, I feel pretty happy. How can that be?”
Jim’s reply has stuck with me.
“Steve, I don’t ask myself how I feel or if I’m happy because I’ve found I spend enough time wondering if I’m happy, I’m guaranteed to start feeling bad.”
I have a friend who’s been miserable for the past few years.
During the last 2 years, he’d call me anytime he felt bad to whine about how miserable he felt about his life. Finally, exhausted, I realized this wasn’t helping either of us and stopped being his “on call emergency therapist”.
He’s asked me many times what my secret is for being content.
There is no secret. I tell him Jim’s story.
I tell him that back in the old days before I changed my diet, I always felt better after eating a Panera blueberry bagel (loaded with carbs and sugars), an omelet (protein and fat) and drinking a big glass of ice tea (load with caffeine) for breakfast.
I say when I “wake up on the wrong side of the bed” and feel crappy in the morning, that I always feel better once I start exercising. (In fact, exercising is my antidote for most bad feelings.)
If I am depressed, I force myself to get moving anyway.
If I am anxious about something, I take action to do something about it.
But mostly, unlike him, I don’t spend time pondering whether I am happy.
Maybe I “shouldn’t” be happy today.
My wife died from lung cancer almost two years ago after eight awful months of suffering.
I gave away everything we owned, sold my house, and bought a camper and a truck to live on the road. 2 months later I realized this was a mistake – a costly one at that.
The pandemic has made my limited social contact even sparser and has crushed most opportunities for dating or making new friends.
I spend all of my time alone except for occasional conversations with other people at the pool, the vet, the grocery store and when walking the dog.
The Covid-19 pandemic has shut down society. The news is worse every day. The economy is predicted to tank. And, oh yeah, I have no health insurance nor any prospects of getting it anytime soon.
Paradoxically, I’m content nearly all the time.
Yesterday, I had a stellar morning workout including 110 pull-ups, a full hardcore calisthenic routine and a relaxing yoga finisher. Just a few months ago, I was post-op form my hernia surgery and couldn’t even raise my leg a foot off the ground without pain.
I marvelled that I own my house and I love it! It seems like it was just yesterday when I was delivering the NY Times for a living and thought “I’ll never be able to afford a house.”
Then I got in my sweet little Orangemobile and zipped to the pool. Every time I drive my car I think “I love this car!”
I did my usual 1650 yard workout and thought, “It’s f***ing great to be able to swim every day. I’m so glad we’re no longer locked down with the pool closed for Covid-19”
As usual, I capped off that afternoon walking Wiggles for an hour in the park.
Am I happy? I guess so. But, like Jim taught me so many years ago, I don’t spend time thinking about it.
So if you’re wondering if you’re happy or if you’ll ever be happy…stop thinking about it and go live your life.