After my wife decided to stop all treatments for her cancer and begin hospice, I began to plan for death.
I had been worried about her dying since she was first diagnosed in March 2018, but since then I tried to stay focused on helping her live day by day.
But now, I had to come up with a way to handle everything associated with her living and with her dying.
I started by writing a list of every single thing that needed to be done after she died. Anytime I thought of something else I added it. I’d used this method before and knew it would work (see Big F***ing List ).
The list included obvious tasks like:
- Arrange for cremation
- Sell car
- Update life insurance beneficiaries
- Cancel credit cards
And not so obvious tasks like:
- Pack her clothes for giveaway, Zack’s charity event and keeping
- Send thank you notes to her pharmacy, pain doctor and her therapist
- Clean under the kitchen sink
- Rearrange furniture, closets and cabinets
By the time it was finished, I had three pages with about 60 action items.
In the first few weeks after Ellen died, the list kept me busy. I had government agencies to navigate, paperwork to complete, notarizations to get done. When I wasn’t dealing some bureaucratic BS, I was busy with projects in the house.
Today, I crossed the last item off the list.
I’m shocked that the Death List is done after just 5 weeks. I thought I’d be dealing with stuff for much longer.
The Death List kept me busy and helped me to focus on tangible activities instead of wallowing in sadness every minute of the day.
It made me feel like I was accomplishing something.
I had a mission and I did it well.
Big F***ing Deal.
I left one item off the list that is the most important.
Learn how to live without the woman who I loved and adored for more than 29 years.
Sometimes, that doesn’t feel possible no matter how many tasks I complete, how many hours I spend exercising, how many people I talk to or how many posts I write.
A friend wrote to me,
“Nothing I can say will ease the sorrow you are surely feeling, but I believe that tears help to wash away just enough of the sadness to open our hearts to fondly remember the happy times.”
I sure hope he’s right.
In the meantime, I’m living. It just doesn’t feel like it without her.