Ainslie’s rule to guarantee disappointment – Hold others in your life to your own high expectations. They are guaranteed to disappoint you.
The older I get, the less I do this – probably because I’ve failed to meet my own expectations so often that I have more empathy for others who don’t meet them.
I also recognize that what I want from life often isn’t what someone else wants from life. What makes me happy, may not make them happy.
Lastly, I’ve grown to realize how much of an impact chance, luck and being in the right place at the right time have on someone’s ability to develop resilience, get educated, be financially successful, gain wisdom, etc.
Reading all of that might make you think I’m a non-judgmental, thoughtful guy who no longer holds others to his unrealistic expectations.
But there’s more to it.
I have an elderly relative, who spends every waking hour watching TV. She will binge watch multiple seasons of a show in a few days. This relative will watch TV 16+ hours a day for days and weeks on end. She’ll do this instead of taking care of personal needs or chores. She has no hobbies and rarely leaves her house. Sometimes she won’t even get out of bed. It is as if she’s voluntarily chosen to become an invalid. I am horrified by this.
I have a close friend who spends many of his waking hours wondering what others think of him and how he feels about himself. He is a middle-aged man who is educated, has a career, hobbies and friends. He is smart, skillful and well educated. And yet, when we speak to each other, our conversations are dominated by his musings on what his coworkers think of him, do they respect him, do they dislike him, and is he happy? He is constantly forecasting his future and projecting how he will feel in 5 years, 10 years and 20 years. I respected and admired this friend for many years and used to count on him for sage advice. Now he seems incapable of getting outside of his own head for even a brief moment. As a result, we have little to talk about anymore and our friendship seems to have plateaued.
I won’t even bother to list the government agencies, commercial entities and institutions that fail to live up to my standards. I have plenty of opinions on how they should be doing things differently.
The thing is, none of these people (or institutions) have come to me for advice. Not once have they said to me,
“I have this problem that I want to resolve. You seem to have a good handle on it. What do you recommend?”
And so, I keep my opinions and my advice to myself most of the time.
When it’s someone whom I care deeply about, I’ll eventually share my concern if I see them heading off the deep end. Of course, that never seems to help them.
Back when I was active in a support group for quitting drinking, we followed the precept of using “attraction not promotion” to encourage others who had a drinking problem.
We attracted others by living well and telling stories of how we used to struggle with the same issues that these potential new members were struggling with.
If they could see that our way of life worked for us, they might believe it could work for them too and give it a shot.
I wish I could do the same for others in my life today who have problems other than drinking.
But, just like most people who I met back then, they are not interested in my solutions.