My father died last night. After he and my mother divorced when I was around 5, he moved far away and he had little to do with us. He remarried quickly and had another child a few years later.
I remember getting birthday cards each year, an occasional letter and speaking on the phone a handful of times when I was a child. We visited him once when I was 9 and he showed up at my sister’s high school graduation (invited) and then mine (uninvited). I only saw him one other time, after we reconciled somewhat, and he brought his family for a visit.
We had nothing in common, except genes and a few hazy memories from the first 5 years of my life.
I made my peace with my father many years ago. I have no regrets and wished him no ill will. From my perspective, it seems like he had a loving family and a good life.
As for a relationship with me, it just wasn’t meant to be.
And so, I feel sadness not for me and not for him. I feel sadness for his daughter, my half-sister, who is a sweet woman who loved her father. I feel sadness for his wife who has lost her lifetime partner of nearly 50 years. I hope in time they find peace and comfort as they grieve their loss.
As for me, I don’t feel like I lost my father last night. I lost him nearly 50 years ago. I never even knew him.